The average length of a vagina in Johannesburg....

....is 10 inches....the average length of an erect penis is 8.5 inches...which means that somewhere in Johannesburg there is 27 miles of unused vagina!

Its an old joke...that sometimes feels too real...as the referral note below will show...

Hon. Gynae Registrar

Thank you for seeing this young lady.

She reports that she normally sleeps naked and noticed that when she went to sleep last night that she remembers seeing a plastic top from a hair spray can on her bed.

This morning when she woke up she found that the plastic top was missing and is concerned that it may have migrated into her vagina during her sleep.

I have examined her and there is indeed a plastic foreign body visible , which seems to be held in place by some demonic forces of suction.

Despite my best efforts which have included entonox for her , a bio hazard suit for me and a 18inch swab holder for both of us,I am unable to remove the foreign body.

Could you please take over the further management of this case?

Regards

Lucien de Beer

(She had to have it removed under GA in Theatre )

Do they know its Christmas......?

My little hovel decorated with a wire-and-bead tree from Jo'burg

So all week it’s been….

Well…what it is…obviously…my wife/partner/girlfriend sent me down to see you because she doesn’t want me to be sick over Christmas/over our trip away…so can you please give me the antibiotics I got last time I had a cold/mend my broken bones/cure my leprosy/make me look 10 years younger and 20 kilos lighter…

And in-between there have been a succession of Yummy Mummies ,-well…the local generic equivalent anyway-, who have been let out for the yearly party with their girlfriends and who fall over (a) because they are drunk (b) their heels are 10cm high (c) its snowing…

...and who…

when told that they have broken some small but crucial -to-Christmas-preparation bone in their wrist…all start to weep and expel snot and offer me all sorts of sexual favours if I can cure them before Christmas…if you knew what I look like, you’d know how desperate they are!!

So finally its Christmas…

And the first patient of the day is a young woman who reports that in the pub last night... whilst she was stone cold sober…that she was punched or hit or slapped on the right ear…and that she is now deaf in her right ear…she thinks its was accidental but doesn't really remember what happened because she subsequently drank her IQ in alcohol units…fortunately her IQ is only about 28…

For reasons known only to himself, Shuffling Bob the triage nurse decides that she is a head injury and starts the paperwork for our head-injury pathway….and once started, frankly its easier to just finish it.

Looking into the waiting room I see one young woman on her cell phone chatting away animatedly.

I call her name…she immediately looks up and ends the conversation

“So…which ear has gone deaf?"

The right one

“Okkkkkkkay…but I just saw you using your cell phone, holding it to your right ear…?”

Well…I can hear the cell phone…but I can’t hear anything else…

“Okkkkkkkkay…but you heard me call your name whilst you were using the phone….?”

Well…yes…I can hear you…and I can hear my phone…but I’m sure I'm deaf

“Alright…I just need to ask you some questions to check if you have a head injury…so…do you know what day it is today?”

No

“Do you know the date today?”

No

“Do you think there is anything special about today?”

Yerr…and she looks at me like she is Darwin explaining evolution to a hitherto undiscovered tribe of pygmies…it’s a public holiday innit? …that’s why I got pissed last night…

*SIGH*

So…the Good Lord decided to give a Christmas present after all…I got a new idiot to add to my existing collection.

Woo Hoo!

Really....I would have settled for a box of chocolates or an inflatable sheep!!

Bah Humbug!!

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my readers, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone.

And regular readers know how deeply I care about offending people.

So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:-

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best non-romantic and non binding,free of any sexual innuendo,wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,gender-neutral celebration of the summer solstice / winter equinox holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others ; or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make your country great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:-

1. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
2. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
3. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
4. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one-year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced but they have all now returned to their natural state thanks to the laws of physics.