Monday, 13 February 2012

Self service


So...sunday evening at work, and I'm sitting down to have dinner...an M&S ready meal...(Fuller/Longer Mexican Beef and spicy potato wedges)(delicious!!)(360cal)...having just got over the zombie story at lunchtime...when I opened my newspaper again...and when I read this story...

Man gives birth to baby

A man who was born as a woman has become Britain's first “male mother” by giving birth despite his sex change operation.

The man, in his thirties, delivered the child last year after having hormone treatment to reactivate his womb, according to a charity advising him. The womb had not been removed during the original sex change procedure.

Joanna Darrell, of the Beaumont Society which provides help to men who want to or have changed gender, said it had been approached by the man who had requested advice about the practicalities of having a baby after sex change surgery.

He wanted to know what surgery he could have before it would be impossible to carry a baby. He also asked about the possible health implications of retaining his womb.

“He got back in touch about six months ago to thank the society for its help and to say he had had the baby,” Darrell said.

The baby is likely to have been delivered by caesarean section although it is possible the man may have retained the ability to give birth naturally.

Darrell said she believed he was the first British man to have given birth. “As far as we know there is only him, one man in America and one in Spain who have done this,” she told The Sunday Times.

The revelation comes four years after an American transsexual, Thomas Beatie, 38, of Arizona, sparked controversy by announcing he was pregnant.

The subsequent birth of a baby girl made headlines around the world.

(Which I seemed to have missed at the time...)

Beatie, who had a partial sex change operation but retained all his female reproductive organs, went on to have another two children after hormone treatment to restart menstruation and restore fertility. All were reportedly delivered naturally.

Earlier this month the Create Fertility Centre in Toronto revealed that it was providing hormone treatment for a number of male sex change patients with intact wombs who are hoping to become mothers.

Clifford Librach, the clinic’s medical director, would not confirm how many men are pregnant or when any babies are due to be born, but he has defended his stance in the Canadian media.

“People have this misunderstanding about their [transsexuals’] situation,” he said. “If they have organs from one or the other sex than the one they were born with, it’s really no different from any of the other treatments we do.”

The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) refused to say whether it was aware of the British case or reveal how many other inquiries it has received, although a spokesman said it “may” have given advice on the procedure.

The spokesman added that any ethical issues concerning the welfare of a child born to a sex change man would be dealt with by the individual doctors concerned.

The HFEA does not keep any data on female to male transsexuals who have become mothers but a spokesman said that it may start collecting statistics in the future.

Gynaecologists say they are receiving increasing numbers of inquiries as advances in hormone treatment, which have allowed pregnancy and childbirth in previously infertile post-menopausal women, can also be used to treat men who have changed sex from female.

Gedis Grudzinskas, editor of Reproductive Biomedicine Online, said he believed many patients would go to India because ethical scruples would make most British doctors reluctant to help.

However, he added: “I’m sure it has already happened here more than once and people have kept quiet about it. There is no medical reason why you could not use oestrogen to make the womb receptive. You would obtain donor eggs to be fertilised by donor sperm.”

The cancer risk associated with retaining a uterus and ovaries that are exposed to high levels of the male hormone testosterone means that most women changing sex choose to have them removed.

Christopher Inglefield, a surgeon specialising in gender reassignment surgery, said he had seen two such cases in recent years who wanted to have babies.

“The obvious thing is to get them to store eggs before they have the surgery, so they can have babies later using a female surrogate,” he said.

Others expressed dismay at the effect on a child of having a male mother.

“The fact that the medical profession is facilitating and encouraging this is a serious problem,” said Trevor Stammers, director of medical ethics at St Mary’s University College, London. “You are hardly going to end up with a baby that’s going to have a happy, productive and optimal childhood.”

Oh how I long for the days when men were men...
...and women were glad.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

The Republic of Zombieland





So there I was at work today,eating my lunchtime ready meal from M&S (roast pork,mashed potato and cabbage in a cider & apple sauce)(365Cal) when I read this article in the London Sunday Times.


Singer ‘flees from zombies


A suspected con man has been arrested in South Africa for claiming he is a popular singer who died in 2009.

The man says he is “Mgqumeni” Khumalo, and did not die but was kidnapped by a witch doctor and kept prisoner in a cave among zombies.


“I have always been alive,” he told a crowd in the singer’s home village. “I have lost a lot of weight, but it is me.”


Family of the dead singer appeared split over the man's identity, with two wives saying he was genuine but the singer's former partner, Zehlise Xulu, insisting he was not.


Read the whole story here.


And read about ukuthwetshulwa here...the process of turning people into zombies.


Sibusiso John Dlamini-Gcabashe, 29, is facing charges of fraud and perjury and has been sent for a period of mental observation.


Read that story here.


*Sigh*


Listen....I believe the guy...

...I use that same witchdoctor...

...well...

...his dating website anyway!


Friday, 10 February 2012

Are you affected by the moon ? Noooooooooooooooo


I had forgotten it was a full moon...

Our Unit is built a bit like Dr Strangelove's bunker...there are few windows and they are small and made of frosted glass so members of the public walking past can't accidentally look in a window and get nauseous when they see a naked pale ugly person being examined...

(...we have vomit bags...)

...and my consulting room doesn't have a window,frosted or otherwise.

The patient was 26 years old...
...unemployed...
...single and living alone...
...and happened to have epilepsy...
...and hadn't taken his medicines for a week...
...had been drinking a mixture of whatever alcohol he could find for 3 days...
...and judging by the pinpoint size of his (reactive) pupils had been doing some opiate drugs as well...
...who may have had a seizure in the bathroom of his cousins house...
...and who did sustain a head injury when he fell,judging from the (reported) amount of blood on the sink and bathroom floor...
...and the amount of blood on his head and shirt...
...who was semi-conscious...
...and combative...

And so naturally his cousin poured him into a taxi which brought him to our little Minor Injuries Unit...

...where I phoned 999 before I did anything else...

(...okay...we ran an ALS sequence and stabilised his airway first...)

...and it was the paramedic who reminded me that it was a full moon.

Lordy lordy...I wish I had some silver bullets...

...so I went home and made some...


Recipe

2 1/2 oz Gin
1 1/2 tsp Scotch or Irish or Bourbon
1 twist lemon peel

In a mixng glass half-filled with ice cubes, combine the gin and Scotch.
Stir well.
Strain into a shot glass.
Carnish with the lemon twist.



Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Happy Feet


So Hamish McHamish McTavish,our newish Scots triage nurse,who look and sounds not unlike Bluto, has decided that there is no reason I shouldn't be as unhappy as everyone else and is making a concerted effort to find me a date...

He scans the admission sheets of any suitable looking woman between the ages of 30 and 80 years, who are single and who have listed their mother as the 'next of kin' and tries to steer them my way.
Now leaving aside for the moment all of the ethical,moral and legal problems with his cunning plan,the simple fact is that what passes for intelligence,joie de vivre,beauty and having your own teeth in Scotland,clearly bears little resemblance to the rest of the world.

His latest "offering" came my way on Monday.

Look I don't mind dating a woman of 43 who wears a wig.
I don't mind dating a woman who is wider than she is taller.
I don't mind dating a woman who eats pickled onions for breakfast.
I don't mind dating a woman who works as the foot double for the Hobbit....and who has a foot injury which necessitates me examining her pale fat horny hairy foot, in which she has a total loss of sensation from a previous spine injury.

(She had pushed a full shopping trolley over her foot {2 days before she came to the Unit}, which then became bruised and swollen...and since she had the most complete lack of sensation I have ever seen,I had no choice but to x ray her foot....it wasn't broken)

"Okay....well your foot is fine...the swelling and bruising will settle down over the next few days...so...is there anything you want to ask then ?"

Yes...what about the chilblain on my toe...?

(I had seen the small red spot on her little toe during my initial examination,which indeed looked like a simple,uninfected chilblain.
Since she had no history of any peripheral vascular disease of any sort,particularly not Reynauds disease;or Lupus,or indeed even diabetes,I had no real concerns.)

"Well...just keep an eye on it...keep it warm...see what OTC products the pharmacist can sell you...and go and see your GP if it becomes infected...or your toe turns purple or falls off."

Oh okay...what about wearing warm socks...?

"Jah...thats a good idea...anything else then?" , I asked hopefully,standing up and shuffling some papers...

What about my urine...?

"What about your urine...?"

Well my mum always used to say that you should wee on your chilblains to keep them from getting worse...

"Uh huh..."

So...do you think I should wee on my toe...?

"Well...apart from the physical contortions required for you to be able to urinate on your little toe...and the mess it might make,-unless you're going to wee on your toe in the shower-,ummh...its probably not going to help at all..."

So you don't think I should wee on my toe then...?

"Look...far be it from me to stop you from engaging in some esoteric form of self expression...but can I just ask you...are you married or seeing anyone ?"

No...

"Do you want to be in a relationship with anyone ever?"

Yes...

"Then don't spend the long winter evening urinating on your toes..."

Okay...

"Invest in a home pedicure set,and maybe one day , your prince will come...well...maybe not your prince...probably just Bilbo Baggins..."

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Don't call us...we'll call you


So a day off today...well...a day not at work...at home instead, working hard preparing for the prescribing exam by doing endless e-learning...here...the world's most boring lectures...which if I pass the exam will have assisted me in gaining the freedom to prescribe anything I want in the British National Formulary except morphine...but including Viagra...

But I left my cell phone switched on because I do a lot of freelance work...lecturing on a variety of topics to UK and EU trained RN's whose training is woefully lacking in anything useful...some freelance flight nurse work...and I have a small hypnotherapy practice which is taking the strain in the recession to be honest...but since I charge £165 for a 'stop smoking' session, any work is well-paid work.

Today though the phone didn't stop ringing...all day.
I got irritated very quickly...
...and that meant I got sarcastic and weird very quickly...


Call 1

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"No....its *Mr* DeBeer to you..."

CLICK


Call 2

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"Ummhh...no...its his brother...Fred....Lucien died suddenly last night and I'm just going through things here in his flat...."

CLICK


Call 3

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"Oh thank God you phoned....I'm so depressed....I was going to hang myself if no one phoned me today....you've saved my life....thank you!!...thank you!!...please tell me your name....lets get married..."

CLICK

(He was very surprised and clearly homophobic since he hung up as well)


Call 4

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"Lucien....ummh...I don't know....let me check my wrist band...where are my glassess...Sarah....where are my glasses?? Sarah?? SARAH??"


CLICK


Call 5

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"No hable Inglese..."

CLICK


Call 6

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"Bonjour Monsieur...ca'va?"

Ummh...is that Lucien de Beer...?

"Oui...son me parlant..."

Ummmh...do you speak English...

"Oui..."

CLICK



Call 7

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"F**k off"

CLICK


And then the lovely Tish Minne..."scourge of the Johannesburg Hospital Trauma Unit" for many many years and a dear friend...phoned me this afternoon as my brain started to ooze out of my ears...and my battery died.

Jammer Tishie...



Sunday, 5 February 2012

Divorce is a four-letter word


We take a social history as part of the therapeutic relationship to "promote" 'concordance'…to make sure that you are 'safe' when you leave my care…that you have some support if you need it…that we can keep you at work, in your job, earning a living…

…and also to try and gauge how thick you are so we can pitch the conversation and discharge information accordingly…

The patient was a 67 year old man who had fallen off of a kitchen chair whilst painting the ceiling.

“So…what work do you do then Sir?”

I’m retired mate…

“Okay…what sort of work did you do before you retired then?”

Oh…I was a painter-and-decorator…

“Okay…are you married…do you live with anyone…?”

No I’m divorced…

“Oaky…do you live alone then?” ...(thinking of his dodgy knee and the help he might need.)

No mate…I have a room in my ex-wifes house…I’m very comfortable there…

“Okay…so is that the same house that you lived in when you were married then?”

Yes…she got the house in the divorce didn’t she…

“Oaky…so you’re divorced but sharing a house with your ex wife…?”

Yes…

“You paid the bulk of the mortgage and yet you’re renting the back bedroom…?”

Yes…

“And you were on a chair painting the kitchen ceiling…?”

Yes…

“So how is this any different from being married to her then…?”

Well…we don’t have any sex…

“Well…not to be rude..but how much were you having anyway,when you were married…?”

Not much really….which is why I had the affair…

“So…she got the gold mine…and you got the shaft…”