Look...I'm not saying that *all* of my colleagues are stupid...

So there was a public holiday here last week...what the locals call a "Bank Holiday".

And knowing that we would be busy and probably overwhelmed with patients, - as was the case, with St Vulvas declaring a 'Condition Black' at about 0830...when they started  holding ambulances and sending chest pains to us-, I decided to make my famous bitter-chocolate-and-sour-cherry tart...

I also made some individual chocolates with the surplus ganache mix.

And I decided to sprinkle some decorative and edible sugar stars onto the tart and the choccies, just to make them look attractive and to offset the bitterness of the chocolate.

'Ere Lucien....that looks very pretty...

"Jah it does look nice...I was just fooling around really..."

Can you eat those stars...?

"Jah...they're made from sugar..."

Did you make them...?

"No....you buy them from a cake decorating shop..."

How did you get them on the chocolate...?

"Well...I tipped them onto a plate and with some very-fine-toothed forceps I picked them out one by one, and placed them on the tart..."

Gosh...that must have taken you a long time then... 

*Oy*

The ganache recipe is simple :

Heat 200 mls of double cream and 50 grams of salted butter until the cream just comes to the boil.

Take it off the stove and stir in 250 grams of bitter chocolate (or indeed any dark chocolate).

Pour it into a pastry case.

Eat.

Lick your fingers.

A scientific explanation of last night...

Three strikes and you're out...

Saturday morning and my next patient was a well dressed and well presented man in his eighties...hair combed and brylcreemed...wearing a jacket and tie...and polished brogues.

He spoke in a  well modulated and educated tone, in that (almost gay) fruity manner of Brits who were born into money;married money;made money;but are still wondering just what the hell happened to the Empire.

He had been started on a very necessary drug regime and treatment plan by his specialist two days earlier for a chronic , difficult-to-manage but not fatal condition; but a condition which was causing him pain and anxiety and which would only worsen unless the medicines were working.

He was however clearly having an allergic reaction to one of the ingredients in his cocktail of drugs.

Shuffling Bob, in a display of proactive enthusiasm had already established that his airway was patent and had administered the first dose of a basic anti-histamine.

By the time I saw the patient , the allergic rash was already resolving.

I got a full and complete history from him and thought about what I should do next....have a tea break ? Ensure he doesn't go into complete anaphylaxis ? Both ?

"Right Sir...I'd like to keep you here for another hour or so just to check that the rash doesn't return and then I'll give you a prescription for some anti-histamines and I'd like you to take them for the next two days until you can contact your doctor on Monday if that's okay...?"

No that doesn't work for me...

"Well...ummhhh...I'm not sure which of the three drugs that you started has caused the reaction , so I'm loath for you to continue with them...but we both know that you need this treatment so you really do need to go back to your doctor..."

Well I'm going on holiday tomorrow...for five weeks...

"That's nice...where are you going...?"

Devon...

"Okay....well...that's in England right...?"

Yes...its about a four hour drive away...

"Well...couldn't you just go on monday after you've phoned your doctor?"

Well...you just don't understand...we're taking our caravan and going to a caravan park...

"Okay...but surely if you phone them and agree to pay for the day you miss  they won't really mind? "

We've already paid for the site...

"Then if they've got your money what's the real problem...you really do need to start on some sort of medication for your condition...apart from anything else, the pain is just going to get worse over the next few weeks...."

Well we're members of the Club for Caravaners of Great Britain...

"Jah..."

And if you cancel a booking less than three days before you're supposed to be there they put a black mark against your name...

"Well...you're not cancelling the booking...you'd just be turning up a day later..."

No you don't understand...the Club is very strict....three black marks against your name and you have to leave...

"What...?"

Friends of ours...well their son was in an accident and  they went to the hospital and he died even , and they got a black mark against them...

"Good grief..."

So simply needing to see my doctor isn't a good enough excuse...

"So let me get this right....you're going to go on holiday and be in pain for five weeks simply because you're scared that the Club for Caravaners will give you a hard time...?"

Well yes...but theres lots of perks to being a member of the Club...

"What....like S&M adventures...?"

How did these people ever get rich?

Why am I so poor?

If you like me, you're going to like these guys as well...

http://www.amateurtransplants.com

Hello...is that the Guinness Book of Records?

To the Honourable Urologist-on-Call

Thank you for accepting this patient.

He is a student at the local University ,and in drink yesterday, decided to try and set a new world record for masturbation.
He informs me that he "successfully" masturbated for six hours.
I have not questioned his definition of "successful".

I am unsure who was supposed to verify his record attempt as I understand it largely involved himself; three x 2L bottles of strong cider; a broadband connection and a takeaway pepperoni pizza.

He has presented this morning with several problems.

I have thus far treated a neck sprain; a tendonitis in his right shoulder; an acute  tennis elbow; an acute  golfers elbow; a De Quervain's tenosynovitis ; a trigger thumb; and a mallet finger injury to his right index finger.

I am however not able to treat his red,bruised, deformed, swollen and frankly macerated penis...through which he can no longer pass urine. 

I have tried to insert a catheter but it was rather like attempting to knit a bowl of jelly with a straw.

And his screams proved distracting to my colleagues and the other patients.

Kind regards

Lucien.

Thats a weight off of my shoulder...

I was sitting at my desk finishing some notes and wondering idly if there was any chance I could slope off for a quick coffee without my colleagues noticing...

...mind you, since they had both spent longer outside the Unit on their 'smoke breaks' than they had actually spent inside the Unit seeing patients I wasn't too perturbed...

I was aware that Chardonnay,-one of the cleaners-, was idly moping the floor, chewing gum and texting on her mobile phone.

'Ere...Lucien...wots a fascist then...?

"A fascist? Well...its a political term...its means someone who is basically very right wing...uhhhh...someone like Hitler or Mussolini...or Tony Blair..."

Oh...She looked at me blankly...

"Why do you want to know...?"

Well...I saw my doctor  cos I'd been getting pain in my shoulder and he said it was a fascist in my shoulder...

"Ummh...okay...I think he probably said you have 'fasciitis'...a problem with the muscles of your shoulder...its a bit of an old fashioned word..."

Oh...

"How is your shoulder? I see you're moping the floor quite slowly? Is it getting better?"

Oh yerh...I saw him 7 years for the pain...

"Right...so why have you asked me today what it is then ?"

Well...I didn't know what it meant...

...and I didn't want to ask him to fink  I was stupid...

....and I didn't know who else to ask...

....and you know everyfing so I thought I would just ask you...

...cos I know you won't laugh at me...

She correct of course.

I didn't laugh at her.

I would never do that.

You might though.