Friday, 25 December 2009

Do they know its Christmas......?

My little hovel decorated with a wire-and-bead tree from Jo'burg

So all week it’s been….

Well…what it is…obviously…my wife/partner/girlfriend sent me down to see you because she doesn’t want me to be sick over Christmas/over our trip away…so can you please give me the antibiotics I got last time I had a cold/mend my broken bones/cure my leprosy/make me look 10 years younger and 20 kilos lighter…

And in-between there have been a succession of Yummy Mummies ,-well…the local generic equivalent anyway-, who have been let out for the yearly party with their girlfriends and who fall over (a) because they are drunk (b) their heels are 10cm high (c) its snowing…

...and who…
when told that they have broken some small but crucial -to-Christmas-preparation bone in their wrist…all start to weep and expel snot and offer me all sorts of sexual favours if I can cure them before Christmas…if you knew what I look like, you’d know how desperate they are!!

So finally its Christmas…

And the first patient of the day is a young woman who reports that in the pub last night... whilst she was stone cold sober…that she was punched or hit or slapped on the right ear…and that she is now deaf in her right ear…she thinks its was accidental but doesn't really remember what happened because she subsequently drank her IQ in alcohol units…fortunately her IQ is only about 28…

For reasons known only to himself, Shuffling Bob the triage nurse decides that she is a head injury and starts the paperwork for our head-injury pathway….and once started, frankly its easier to just finish it.

Looking into the waiting room I see one young woman on her cell phone chatting away animatedly.

I call her name…she immediately looks up and ends the conversation

“So…which ear has gone deaf?"

The right one

“Okkkkkkkay…but I just saw you using your cell phone, holding it to your right ear…?”

Well…I can hear the cell phone…but I can’t hear anything else…

“Okkkkkkkkay…but you heard me call your name whilst you were using the phone….?”

Well…yes…I can hear you…and I can hear my phone…but I’m sure I'm deaf

“Alright…I just need to ask you some questions to check if you have a head injury…so…do you know what day it is today?”


“Do you know the date today?”


“Do you think there is anything special about today?”

Yerr…and she looks at me like she is Darwin explaining evolution to a hitherto undiscovered tribe of pygmies…it’s a public holiday innit? …that’s why I got pissed last night…


So…the Good Lord decided to give a Christmas present after all…I got a new idiot to add to my existing collection.

Woo Hoo!

Really....I would have settled for a box of chocolates or an inflatable sheep!!

1 comment:

  1. well one day an old lady will turn up and send you off to the world cup to sort out all the footballers when they get poorly