"Mr Kant-Keypittup ? Mr Hugh Kant-Keypittup ?"
A tall ,pale , grey-looking middle-aged man,with long lank hair,and dressed by the Salvation Army Corps of Stylists,unfolds himself from his chair,and,-with both hands on his lower back and leaning forward-, he shuffles ever-so-slowly into the Unit.
"Take your time Sir....they pay me by the hour..."
Finally he reaches my consulting room and collapses into the chair.
"Good morning Sir...what can I do for you today then?"
And he leans forward and exhales directly into my face...!!!
There's only one thing I hate more than a patient coughing over me...and that's when they are trying to convince me of how much pain they are experiencing and perform these long sighing exhalations of supposed pain...
Well ...what it is ...obviously...I bent over to pick up a coin from the floor and felt my back 'go'...and now I have pain in my back and can't walk properly...or stand up straight...
"Uh huh...now...I need to ask you some strange questions Sir...they may sound like I'm making them up...but I assure you that they are absolutely critical....so....tell me...are you able to pass urine...and can I check that you've not lost control over your bladder or bowels?"
[There are a number of what are called 'Red Flag' symptoms that would indicate a serious injury with a poor outcome if the patient had any positive signs...and no matter that he walked into the Unit;and no matter how relaxed I am,you can just never afford to be complacent]
What do you mean...my bowels?
"Has your stomach worked today? Have you had a cr*p?"
Oh...yes
"And you have't lost control over your stomach? "
Oh...no...I don't think so...
*sigh*
"Okkaaayyyy...does your bum feel numb ? Do your testicles feel numb?"
What do you mean...feel numb?
"Well...really...just what I said...if you were to squeeze your testicles, -better yet...to pinch your scrotum-,does it feel numb ?"
I dunno what you mean...
I take his left hand and after warning him what I am going to do,I pinch the skin on top of his hand...unsurprisingly,he says...Ouch...and pulls his hand away
"Okay Sir...now...if you were to pinch your scrotum,do you think it would feel like that just felt...or do you think that there would be no feeling?"
Well...I dunno...
"Well Sir...perhaps you could just pinch your scrotum now and tell me what it feels like?"
Don't you want to do it for me?
"I'll pass thanks..."
And so he leans back in the chair...closes his eyes...sticks his hand down the front of his grubby trousers and starts to root around...like a pig sniffing out truffles in a forest in Provence...and slowly...a beatific smile starts to settle on his face...
(This isn't a hospital...it's the waiting room for Hell...with fluorescent lighting...)
"Okay...Sir...Sir...you can stop now...SIR!!"
Slowly...very slowly...he withdraws his hand ,flexes his fingers and opens his eyes...
No...I didn't feel anything...I'm sure my balls are numb...you'd better check...
"Really...you've no idea what sensation you just felt...and you're really asking me to have a feel?"
Yerss...
"Right...okay...stand up please Sir...what I'm going to do then is to squeeze the back of your scrotum...where it comes out of your perineum...okay...tell me if you can feel that when I pinch that then..."
He stands up...and as I put on some examination gloves...he drops his trousers...unsurprisingly,he isn't wearing any underpants...
And looking at his withered haunches and his dessicated and ill-formed dangly man-bits,I decide to put on a second pair of gloves...
After all,lunch is only an hour away...
I cup his testicles in my left hand and reach out with my right hand, and grasp the back of his scrotum firmly between my thumb and forefinger...he continues to exhale all over my head...
"Right Sir...are you ready...now...tell me if you can feel THIS!!!"
His head jerks up...his shoulders arch...his arms fly back to the side...and his spine straightens,-ramrod straight-, as he emits a high keening scream...
A tall ,pale , grey-looking middle-aged man,with long lank hair,and dressed by the Salvation Army Corps of Stylists,unfolds himself from his chair,and,-with both hands on his lower back and leaning forward-, he shuffles ever-so-slowly into the Unit.
"Take your time Sir....they pay me by the hour..."
Finally he reaches my consulting room and collapses into the chair.
"Good morning Sir...what can I do for you today then?"
And he leans forward and exhales directly into my face...!!!
There's only one thing I hate more than a patient coughing over me...and that's when they are trying to convince me of how much pain they are experiencing and perform these long sighing exhalations of supposed pain...
Well ...what it is ...obviously...I bent over to pick up a coin from the floor and felt my back 'go'...and now I have pain in my back and can't walk properly...or stand up straight...
"Uh huh...now...I need to ask you some strange questions Sir...they may sound like I'm making them up...but I assure you that they are absolutely critical....so....tell me...are you able to pass urine...and can I check that you've not lost control over your bladder or bowels?"
[There are a number of what are called 'Red Flag' symptoms that would indicate a serious injury with a poor outcome if the patient had any positive signs...and no matter that he walked into the Unit;and no matter how relaxed I am,you can just never afford to be complacent]
What do you mean...my bowels?
"Has your stomach worked today? Have you had a cr*p?"
Oh...yes
"And you have't lost control over your stomach? "
Oh...no...I don't think so...
*sigh*
"Okkaaayyyy...does your bum feel numb ? Do your testicles feel numb?"
What do you mean...feel numb?
"Well...really...just what I said...if you were to squeeze your testicles, -better yet...to pinch your scrotum-,does it feel numb ?"
I dunno what you mean...
I take his left hand and after warning him what I am going to do,I pinch the skin on top of his hand...unsurprisingly,he says...Ouch...and pulls his hand away
"Okay Sir...now...if you were to pinch your scrotum,do you think it would feel like that just felt...or do you think that there would be no feeling?"
Well...I dunno...
"Well Sir...perhaps you could just pinch your scrotum now and tell me what it feels like?"
Don't you want to do it for me?
"I'll pass thanks..."
And so he leans back in the chair...closes his eyes...sticks his hand down the front of his grubby trousers and starts to root around...like a pig sniffing out truffles in a forest in Provence...and slowly...a beatific smile starts to settle on his face...
(This isn't a hospital...it's the waiting room for Hell...with fluorescent lighting...)
"Okay...Sir...Sir...you can stop now...SIR!!"
Slowly...very slowly...he withdraws his hand ,flexes his fingers and opens his eyes...
No...I didn't feel anything...I'm sure my balls are numb...you'd better check...
"Really...you've no idea what sensation you just felt...and you're really asking me to have a feel?"
Yerss...
"Right...okay...stand up please Sir...what I'm going to do then is to squeeze the back of your scrotum...where it comes out of your perineum...okay...tell me if you can feel that when I pinch that then..."
He stands up...and as I put on some examination gloves...he drops his trousers...unsurprisingly,he isn't wearing any underpants...
And looking at his withered haunches and his dessicated and ill-formed dangly man-bits,I decide to put on a second pair of gloves...
After all,lunch is only an hour away...
I cup his testicles in my left hand and reach out with my right hand, and grasp the back of his scrotum firmly between my thumb and forefinger...he continues to exhale all over my head...
"Right Sir...are you ready...now...tell me if you can feel THIS!!!"
His head jerks up...his shoulders arch...his arms fly back to the side...and his spine straightens,-ramrod straight-, as he emits a high keening scream...
Julian...always on the lookout for a little S&M , no matter how vicarious, stuck his head through the door....
'Alright then are you Lucien...can I get you anything...Oh...would you like a vomit bowl Sir?'
"We're good thanks...so...can I just check that you felt that then Sir...?"
Wiping the tears from his eyes,he acknowledges that he indeed felt the pinch...and then notices that he is standing upright...
Gosh...that's alright then...look mate...I can stand up straight...that's amazing that is...the pain has gone...how did you do that??
"Ah well...that's a trick I learnt in the Army Sir...there's a little known nerve between the testicles and the spine...some people call it 'courage'...we were taught it as an 'Emergency Field Chiropractic Treatment'...the RSM in training camp called it 'wakey -wakey' "
"By the way...Julian will give you an ice-pack on the way out..."
But my back feels fine...
"Its not for your back...!
Oh!!....so...were you in the Army then?
"Yes Sir...we had a unique regimental motto...
Oh...what was it?
" 'I'm not mean ... you're just a sissy'...Sir"
"I decide to put on a second pair of gloves...
ReplyDeleteLunch is only an hour away..." LMAO ... Bliksem, koffie is nou oorals
I've just nutted in from Bongani's blog & I have to say, this is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Nice to see that despite living in England(innit) you haven't lost your sense of humour!
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