Conference by the sea

So...off to Brighton for the 'College of Emergency Medicine's ' annual Scientific Conference...a two-day thought-fest...with breaking news from the cutting edge laboratories and resus rooms of modern Britain...

Or something like that...in fact there are five distinct groups at the conference:-

Firstly there are the Junior Doctors who need to present a paper to establish their academic credentials...so that at some point in time they can apply for an enormous government grant to enable them to go off to some warm and pleasant part of the world,replete with cold drinks and warm Jacuzzis to 'research' something of benefit to someone living on unemployment benefits in north Wales.

Secondly there are the Consultants, who have already secured their grant money and done the research and now have to present their findings to improve the lot of us mere mortals at the coal face...who have thus far been unable to secure funding ourselves...

Thirdly are the newly qualified doctors and nurses,-the trauma wonks and geeks-,who are still keen and excited about the prospect of frequently hurting-,and occasionally killing-, complete strangers...and who are desperate to learn something...anything...that will keep them and their patients safe at 2 o'clock on a wet winters morning...little realising that it is only luck and coffee...in equal measures... that stop most of us from killing more of you...

Then there are the 'Middle Grade' and middle-aged doctors and nurses who are there to perhaps learn something...to get some free pens and Journals...to have a paid-day away from the Great Unwashed...and perhaps to get laid...not me personally you understand!!

Finally there are the "Reps"...those crisply suited,gelled-hair and unctuous purveyors of all that is glittery and whose sales pitches are buttressed by scientific papers from the University of Ulan Bator...apart from the two harassed NCO's from the Royal Army medical corps who offer to sign me up on the spot despite my advanced age and general state of decrepitude...and who promise to send me to Iraq next week...as an officer!!!

And so to the research...what gems fell from the lips of the Trauma Gods?

For readers of a nervous disposition,you should perhaps make a cup of warm cocoa...perhaps dab a little eau de cologne onto your hankie...

1. Pedestrians die mostly by being involved in an accident with a vehicle with an engine
2. The more cars that there are on the road,the greater the chance of having a accident
3. The faster the speed of the car that hits you,the greater your chance of dying
4. Acupuncture doesn't work on drug addicts with back pain,who have attended A&E seeking meds to fuel their addiction
5. Proper , professional and diligent examination of older ,sicker patients will lead to a decrease in mortality and morbidity
6. Crazy people need complex interventions
7. Alcoholics who smoke,take drugs and are unemployed do not generally keep appointments with alcohol intervention social workers
8. Domestic violence happens at home between men and women
9. Some patients will die despite having the very best of care...but if they die in the first 6 months of a clinical trial then their death is simply a learning curve and to be expected
10. Its always best to try and diagnose the illness before discharging the patient

So there you have it...verbatim...the latest medical research from the top trauma thinkers in modern Britain...

Actually...that RAMC offer looks a little better now!