The Boerewors Emergency Medicine Chronicles: Green Monkey Disease

Wednesday 24 September 2008

Green Monkey Disease

Orright mate !?!

"Yes...fine thank you Sir...and what can I do for you today ?"

Well mate...what it is...I was fine last night...but when I woke up this morning I was all red with all these spots

"Right"

Indeed , the patient looked like he had been spray-painted scarlet and then had the 'Blister-fairy' sprinkle his shoulders and nose with blisters.

And what it is...I was watching this program on the telly...yeah ?...and it was about these blokes in Africa...and they got this red rash and all these spots...and then they died...Green Monkey Disease it was...

"I see...so have you ever actually been to Africa ?"

Well...I was in Ibiza last week...

"Right...well...I think that you will find that ,-technically-,that Ibiza is not in fact in Africa "

Yerh? So whats wrong with me then?

"Well...fortunately for you...of all the nurses and doctors at work, in England, today,I'm one of the few people who has actually seen Green Monkey Disease...in the flesh as it were...so...I think that its unlikely that scientists in space suits are going to come running into the Unit and pull you out..."

"So...with this nice weather that we have been having...were you on the beach yesterday by any chance ?"

Yerh...great weather...me and the missus took some lager down the beach and spent the day there

"And did you fall asleep by any chance ?"

Well yerh...I mean...we got a little pissed...well you would,wouldn't you? Nice hot day like that...cold beer ...

"Right...well Sir, that would explain the sunburn then."

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What I do and where I do it

Naturally...naturally... this blog is a complete work of fiction.Of course it is... None of the people (or their relatives) or any apparent colleague or indeed any event mentioned within the blog, exist, or have ever existed. Really..no..really...Honestly..trust me..*right*

If you think that you recognise yourself, -particularly if you are a clinician or an ex-girlfriend-, then you have a narcissistic personality disorder.

However if any part was true then the introduction might read something like this:-
I work as an autonomous Emergency Nurse Practitoner serving a charming English seaside town called Little-Ghetto-on-Sea, on the East coast, closer in fact to Europe than to London.
We treat a wide range of minor illness and injury , with admitting privileges to St Vulva's, the main academic hospital some 20 miles away .
It is apparently one of the UK's most densely populated city's...and fits Littlejohn's discription in the Daily Mail when he says,"most British seaside towns are run-down dole-claimant dormitories,which seem to take a perverse delight in driving people away through a combination of rip-off prices , tatty boarding houses and disgusting food and draconian parking regimes" . It often feels as if it is the setting for 'Little Britian' which most foreign readers will know is more social commentary than cutting-edge comedy.Indeed most of the male patients are typically shaven headed pierced,inked,dirty-fingered,dull eyed ,baseball-cap wearing, unemployed smokers with prodigious drinking skills. The women have a limited vocabularly, ranging from "innit" to "my (human) rights" with not much else inbetween.Invariably they have several children from different consorts (love that word!) and walk through the town talking on their cell phones and ignoring their children.There are few vegetarians and even fewer graduates.

DISCLAIMER

This site is for entertainment purposes only.

Any patient interactions or cases that are posted here are not based upon any single person ,living or dead ;or any specific event.

Conversations in quotes and remarks that appear to be quoted verbatim are not necessairly true. All patient details are changed to make identifying them impossible, far exceeding the minimum standards for de-identification of patient information.

However , occasionally , ECG strips ,photographs,or x-ray images that are of clinical interest are posted and are subject to that particular patient having given me written permission for the image to be published;and no original NHS images or materials are used,removed or uploaded from any of the hospitals in which I work.

Under no circumstances should any reader assume or think that any nursing or medical advice is being dispensed.

No nurse/patient relationship,- or indeed any theraputic relationship of any kind-,will be established by you reading and/or commenting upon this blog.