Friday, 26 September 2008

...going commando...

A thin young man, wearing very baggy shorts minced uncomfortably into the Unit.

"Please have a seat over there Sir."

The chairs are a pleasing combination of a laminated blond wood back with a thick , soft , padded cloth seat and metal legs...an ideal combination really...its light enough for patients to pick up and throw at the staff...and the seat acts as the ideal environment for every bodily fluid that seeps into it, to grow and multiply...a first-class cross-infection vector...which of course is exactly why some dickhead at head-office bought them...

"Good day Sir...what can I do for you today then ?"

Well...its my crotch mate...I've got this sharp pain...

"Right...how long have you had the pain for ? What does it feel like ?"

Well it started at work this week...when I lifted this heavy box...it feels like a burning pain...in the side there...but I'm worried about my balls ...right?

"OK...well if you'd like to stand up and drop your pants then Sir, I'll have a look and feel of your testicles..."

You wot ??

He leapt up out of the chair , knocking it over , and stood cowering at the back of the room , both hands clasped protectively over his testicles.

You want to have a look ?!?

And feel my balls!?!

...I'm not one of those...I've never had another man touch my balls!!

*sigh*

"Well Sir...I know that I have an expensive haircut...and that I'm wearing a slightly fruity cologne today...and that my nails are clean...but honestly...I'm a vegetarian...and I can assure you that I am certainly not going to enjoy this experience either...but for you at least,it has the advantage that it might just save your life...whilst for me...well...its probably just going to put me off my lunch...in fact the appeal of the gnocchi with Gorgonzola sauce is already rapidly disappearing..."

Are you taking the piss ??

"Not yet , no Sir...although I do need to dipstick your urine before you go home..."

( "Oy" )

"But I'm easy Sir...its entirely up to you...its mind over matter really...I don't mind..."

No funny stuff then !! OK ??

And then he dropped his shorts...and of course-no surprise really-...he wasn't wearing any underwear.

It remains a source of mystery to me that so many patients,male and female,young and old,choose not to wear any underwear...about a third of the patients in fact...particularly the old women...although as one said to me last week , 'it saves time dear'

After a thorough and exhaustive examination-that brought tears to the eyes of one of us-,I decided that the pain was simply muscular .

"Right...that's all finished then," I said,peeling off my gloves. " I just need to scribble some notes and then we can have a chat about what I think is causing the pain...so just have a seat for a few minutes please Sir"

And of course , dear reader, you know what he did already don't you ?

He sat his bare,wrinkly,pimply,be-ring-wormed bottom down onto the chair.

"Good grief man...pull up your pants before you sit down on the chair why don't you !"

Wot ? Well why didn't you tell me to pull up my pants ? How did I know you were finished ?

"Well I think the give-away was when I said to you, 'that's all finished then' and then took my gloves off !"

We later fortunately managed to swop the chair with one in the General Managers office.
I knew head office would approve.

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