Well I woke up Easter Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt...
...bitterly bitterly cold...
...I knew it was allegedly spring because of the sheer number of happy sparrows and blue tits picking and pecking at the multi-hued pools of lumpy vomit scattered all over the dog-fouled and condom-strewn pavement...
...indeed my nimble foot work getting out of the car as I rushed into Tescos to get the Sunday papers should really have earned me a place on "Strictly Come Dancing - Live from the Ghetto".
The first patient of the day was a young woman wanting the 'Morning After Pill'...fair enough...
...the second patient was another young woman who was complaining of itching and burning to various parts of her anatomy I would prefer not to examine at 08h15, before I have had my espresso and porridge, my early morning 10 minutes on the oxygen, and when my fingers and brain are both still frozen...
...actually, thinking about it...
...she would also probably would have preferred that my fingers were warm...
"Well...you have a sexually transmitted disease Ma'am..."
Well how did that happen...?
"Well...and its just an educated guess really...but I think you had unprotected sexual intercourse with some dirty dirty boy...or girl..."
Oh...well...what you gonna do it about it then...?
"Pretty much nothing...you need to have a full sexual health workup to test for all the common STD's...and the doctor who does that will give you the necessary treatment..."
Wheres that then...?
"Its in the GUM clinic, across the road from here actually...they'll be open again on Tuesday..."
Tuesday!!! But its Sunday....why can't you send me there now???
"Because an STD is not an emergency...because its Easter Sunday...and because they're closed..."
Well...I'm not a Christian or anything...she sneered...so why can't I get treated now? I know my rights...!!
"Well...whether you're a Christian or not has nothing to do with the fact that's its a Sunday morning...and...more importantly, it's the third day of a four-day-long holiday weekend..."
So what...you're telling me that I have to wait till Tuesday...?
"Jah...that's precisely what I'm telling you..."
But I thought the NHS was open every day of the year...?
"It is open every day of the year...for emergencies...an STD is not an emergency...its more a sign of the intemperance of youth...and there's no emergency treatment for that I'm afraid..."
You're very rude...!!
"Jah well..."
So you're gonna to do nothing for me then...you're really gonna make me wait till Tuesday...?
"Well Ma'am, the loafers and slackers who make up most of the NHS , essentially work office hours...and since you're unemployed, there's no real reason why you can't just go and see them bright and early on Tuesday morning...is there?"
But what about the burning and itching...?
"Well...think of it as practice for the hellfire awaiting you in the 'hereafter'..."
Yerr what...?
"I said...don't stand too close to the kitchen fire...your Easter eggs will melt..."
"think of it as practice for the hellfire awaiting you in the 'hereafter'"
ReplyDeleteEven from way up here in the even more frozen North I could tell that was going over her head.