You are so stupid I'm not going to charge you for the advice

And that is exactly what her boyfriend had 'for brains'...

The first patient after my evening meal break (of a very pleasant M&S mushroom pappardelle) was a 20 year old student with a painful foot.

Earlier that day, she had stood on tiptoes in her bathroom to get something from the top of the cupboard and subsequently experienced a sharp but fleeting pain to her instep.

Now look...I know from beautiful....when I was 21 I dated an actual model for a few months...

...and I would probably still be with her except I broke an ankle when I tripped over her white cane because her dog was biting me...

...this girl was gorgeous...

...she was so beautiful that ShufflingBob spent 30 minutes triaging her...

...and then followed her back to my room, drooling as he went, the cleaners mopping the floor behind him...

...she was so beautiful that even Julian walked into my room and asked if I needed his help...

...and when I declined,he 'accidentally' dropped his pen and bent over in front of her to pick it up,simultaneously winking at her from behind his knees...

...she was so beautiful that 'Samhuael-from-radiology-MSc' twice came into my room to check if she needed an x-ray...

...she was so beautiful that ChakalakaCindy refused to talk to me 'on principle' for the rest of the day...

...and refused to share her pretzels with me...

...and spent the day walking around saying "Eish..." and shaking her head...

...like it was my fault...!!

...as if I had deliberately cherry picked Miss Gorgeous from the list of patients waiting to be seen...

...as if I would do something like that...!!

As if...!!

She was accompanied by her boyfriend.

Its fair to say that he was,-frankly-,quite ugly...with sticky-out ears, a crop of well cultivated acne to all of his visible surfaces (including his pale white and hairless pigeon-chest),popping-out eyes and those crooked yellow teeth so beloved by English dentists.

He was dressed in a dirty tracksuit and sat fiddling on his cell phone for most of the consultation.

I thought initially that he was perhaps her mental health practical coursework.

Apparell'd in celestial light,
with The glory and the freshness of a dream.

...she walked elegantly into the department,long chestnut coloured hair catching the light of envy on my assorted colleagues eyes...

She hopped onto the examination couch and told me her "tiptoes" story...

...I pretended to pay attention...

...her boyfriend say sniffing and chuckling to himself as he played on his cell phone...

I thought that I should probably examine her foot...

...it was cool,pale olive skinned with pink nail polish...

...wriggling like a ferret in a sack whilst I held it in my hands...

...sighing...remembering warm summer evenings with cinnamon scented girls...

There was nothing wrong with her foot no matter how lovely it looked...

She had in fact been pain free since the initial episode some 10 hours earlier...

...her foot was not red or warm or swollen or bruised or obviously deformed,there were no wounds,she had no bony pain on examination,she could move all her toes, she had a bounding pedal pulse and an excellent capillary refill time.

There was absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with it.

There was also nothing wrong with her ankle or calf...or knee.

On either leg.

*sigh*

"Okay...well...I've had a good look at your foot...there really doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it...you probably just had a bit of cramp and that seems to have resolved now..."

Are you sure...its just that my boyfriend thought was my foot was swollen....?

I picked her foot up again and fondled it for a few minutes...it definitely wasn't swollen...

I looked at her boyfriend...

"Yo...buddy...what part of her foot did you think was swollen...?"

No mate...I didn't think it was swollen...

...he sniffed...

...I thought it was fat...

...I told her that I thought she had fat feet

I looked at her...she ducked her head in embarrassment...

"I'm sorry...you told your girlfriend that her feet were quote, 'fat', unquote...?"

He sniffed again and scratched his groin...

Yeah...she's put on weight this winter and got these really fat feet...

I haven't put on weight she whispered

Yeah...you have...you've got really fat feet...!!

"Okay...buddy...I'm going to give you some advice whilst Julian gets Miss Gorgeous a cup of tea..."

Yeah..?

"If you want this relationship to last beyond the end of this consultation you had better get down on your knees and apologise to your girlfriend..."

What...?

"You need to do some serious soul searching.You might even find one."

Julian put Miss Gorgeous into a wheel chair and took her outside and gave her a refreshing cup of tea.

Her boyfriend was last spotted trying to leave the Unit,pulling on the door marked 'PUSH'.