FIXED PENALTY NOTICE
CHARGE - "MUTTON-DRESSED-AS-LAMB"
Dear Ann Teak
I write to you following a complaint from a member of the public regarding your attendance at the Minor Injury Unit yesterday.
I have to advise you ,that whilst the major winter-2008 fashion style for women is a black mini-skirt (which may be pleated) with dark tights/pantyhose/stockings/leggings,that this fashion really only applies to women under the age of 21.
In exceptional circumstances and specifically for the "festive season",this age may be raised to 25.
In no circumstances however may the circumference of the combined thighs of the wearer exceed the mandatory measurement of 2m.
You have therefore been charged with 2 counts against common decency:-
(1) I understand that you are aged 63.And a very old and frankly,decrepit 63.
(2)Additionally, that your thighs have a combined circumference of 7 m.
DCI Knacker from the specialist 'Lingerie Squad' has asked me to inform you that if you wear a black mini-skirt and black pantyhose,that you should not wear white underwear-even if you think that white knickers are invisible underneath your black hose...because they aren't invisible and a small child has had to be referred to the PTSD team for immediate intervention after you sat in the waiting room, apparently endlessly crossing-,and uncrossing-,your legs.
Please pay this fine directly by donating your mini-skirt to Oxfam so that they might turn it into a tent for the crisis in Darfur.
Supt Percy Vereance