The Boerewors Emergency Medicine Chronicles: Don't call us...we'll call you

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Don't call us...we'll call you

So a day off today...well...a day not at work...at home instead, working hard preparing for the prescribing exam by doing endless e-learning...here...the world's most boring lectures...which if I pass the exam will have assisted me in gaining the freedom to prescribe anything I want in the British National Formulary except morphine...but including Viagra...

But I left my cell phone switched on because I do a lot of freelance work...lecturing on a variety of topics to UK and EU trained RN's whose training is woefully lacking in anything useful...some freelance flight nurse work...and I have a small hypnotherapy practice which is taking the strain in the recession to be honest...but since I charge £165 for a 'stop smoking' session, any work is well-paid work.

Today though the phone didn't stop ringing...all day.

I got irritated very quickly...

...and that meant I got sarcastic and weird very quickly...

Call 1

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"No....its *Mr* DeBeer to you..."

CLICK

Call 2

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"Ummhh...no...its his brother...Fred....Lucien died suddenly last night and I'm just going through things here in his flat...."

CLICK

Call 3

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"Oh thank God you phoned....I'm so depressed....I was going to hang myself if no one phoned me today....you've saved my life....thank you!!...thank you!!...please tell me your name....lets get married..."

CLICK

(He was very surprised and clearly homophobic since he hung up as well)

Call 4

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"Lucien....ummh...I don't know....let me check my wrist band...where are my glassess...Sarah....where are my glasses?? Sarah?? SARAH??"

CLICK

Call 5

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"No hable Inglese..."

CLICK

Call 6

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"Bonjour Monsieur...ca'va?"

Ummh...is that Lucien de Beer...?

"Oui...son me parlant..."

Ummmh...do you speak English...

"Oui..."

CLICK

Call 7

Hello...is that Lucien...?

"F**k off"

CLICK

And then the lovely Tish Minne..."scourge of the Johannesburg Hospital Trauma Unit" for many many years and a dear friend...phoned me this afternoon as my brain started to ooze out of my ears...and my battery died.

Jammer Tishie...

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What I do and where I do it

Naturally...naturally... this blog is a complete work of fiction.Of course it is... None of the people (or their relatives) or any apparent colleague or indeed any event mentioned within the blog, exist, or have ever existed. Really..no..really...Honestly..trust me..*right*

If you think that you recognise yourself, -particularly if you are a clinician or an ex-girlfriend-, then you have a narcissistic personality disorder.

However if any part was true then the introduction might read something like this:-
I work as an autonomous Emergency Nurse Practitoner serving a charming English seaside town called Little-Ghetto-on-Sea, on the East coast, closer in fact to Europe than to London.
We treat a wide range of minor illness and injury , with admitting privileges to St Vulva's, the main academic hospital some 20 miles away .
It is apparently one of the UK's most densely populated city's...and fits Littlejohn's discription in the Daily Mail when he says,"most British seaside towns are run-down dole-claimant dormitories,which seem to take a perverse delight in driving people away through a combination of rip-off prices , tatty boarding houses and disgusting food and draconian parking regimes" . It often feels as if it is the setting for 'Little Britian' which most foreign readers will know is more social commentary than cutting-edge comedy.Indeed most of the male patients are typically shaven headed pierced,inked,dirty-fingered,dull eyed ,baseball-cap wearing, unemployed smokers with prodigious drinking skills. The women have a limited vocabularly, ranging from "innit" to "my (human) rights" with not much else inbetween.Invariably they have several children from different consorts (love that word!) and walk through the town talking on their cell phones and ignoring their children.There are few vegetarians and even fewer graduates.

DISCLAIMER

This site is for entertainment purposes only.

Any patient interactions or cases that are posted here are not based upon any single person ,living or dead ;or any specific event.

Conversations in quotes and remarks that appear to be quoted verbatim are not necessairly true. All patient details are changed to make identifying them impossible, far exceeding the minimum standards for de-identification of patient information.

However , occasionally , ECG strips ,photographs,or x-ray images that are of clinical interest are posted and are subject to that particular patient having given me written permission for the image to be published;and no original NHS images or materials are used,removed or uploaded from any of the hospitals in which I work.

Under no circumstances should any reader assume or think that any nursing or medical advice is being dispensed.

No nurse/patient relationship,- or indeed any theraputic relationship of any kind-,will be established by you reading and/or commenting upon this blog.