Civil Society 101-A course for beginners

So there I was on Sunday morning,fresh back to work after a combination of rest-days, Annual Leave days, and a stinking cold, -courtesy of flying economy class back from Johannesburg-, had given me an unprecedented 19 days away from work.

I was rested,relaxed,rejuvenated.Restored.Revitalised even.

I had washed my hair,moisturized my face,squeezed some blackheads,loaded a fresh cartridge into my fountain pen...I had even put on underpants...freshly laundered as the weather forecast was for a hot and humid day.

I was determined to have a good day...why not...it was,after all,the first day of the rest of my life!

*sigh*

The first patient on the most beautiful morning , still and cool with the sun rising over the gas works was a man of 50 who said that he had a painful knee and was wondering if he should buy a knee support.

On discovering that his knee had been bothering him for over two years,but that today was the first day that he could fit a visit to a hospital into his busy busy schedule of ...well...nothing really since he was unemployed...I duly advised him to buy the most expensive knee guard that I could find on a quick google search.
He left happy with my concern and advice.

I still felt marginally happy.

Fortunately that feeling passed when I met the second patient of the day.She was a young woman of 19 who had been out dancing with her friends and who had slipped and fallen in the nightclub and hit her head on the floor.
She thought she may have been unconscious...her three friends were adamant that she hadn't lost consciousness.

All were in agreement that she had vomited later...but they had all vomited later.
It was unnecessary to tell me that as their clothes were still soiled with flecks of their 4-a.m. kebabs...

"So...you're really not sure if you passed out or not?"

And in the dulcet tones of a virginal novice Nun offering the visiting Bishop an extra piece of shortbread,she replied...

Well...I dunno do I...I was pissed weren't I?

*sigh*

Now there are a number of questions that you routinely ask "head injury" patients which in the UK include asking them the "day and date(today)/place(where they are currently)/person (ie what do you think I do)/name of Prime Minister/name of the Monarch

Taking a reviving bite from the first of many many bars of choccie for the day,I started to gamely work through the list...

"So...do you know the name of the Prime Minister?"

The Prime Minister? Why would I know his name?He's nothing to me...I'm a mum!!

"Hummh...well...Mrs Thatcher might disagree with you"

Who is she then...your boss?

"Oy...so...what do for a living then?"

Nuffink...I'm a single mum on benefits arn't I?

"Uh huh...so...where do you think your benefit money comes from then?"

Sniggering and looking at her idiot friends for support she pointed at me and said....

Well...from people who work ...like you!

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay...and who do you think decides to give you your money ?"

I dunno...the 'Social' I suppose...

"Well...actually its principally the PM and the cabinet ...do you by any chance know the name of the Chancellor of the Exchequer?"

Yer what...you made that name up didn't you?

(Good grief!)

Julian stuck his head through the door...

"Excuse me Lucien...but the 'Village' just called. They said they were missing their idiot...I couldn't really understand them, but I think they were saying the name of your patient."

Honestly...she should be lucky to have a bleed in her head...at least there would be something in there to keep her ears apart.

Wolfram|Alpha : computational knowledge engine

I read an article about this program that I will call a "search engine" for easy description,in Newsweek this week, flying back from Jo'burg...and haven't been able to stop playing on it.

Today's WolframAlpha is the first step in an ambitious, long-term project to make all systematic knowledge immediately computable by anyone. You enter your question or calculation, and WolframAlpha uses its built-in algorithms and growing collection of data to compute the answer.

Is WolframAlpha a search engine?
No. It's a computational knowledge engine: it generates output by doing computations from its own internal knowledge base, instead of searching the web and returning links.

Is WolframAlpha free to use?
Yes, it's free for personal noncommercial use .Subscriptions will be available in the near future with enhanced features for large-scale and commercial use.

Who is WolframAlpha for?
Everyone! Its goal is to bring expert-level knowledge to everybody.

http://www37.wolframalpha.com/

Coincidence ? I think not...

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence or if I'm getting paranoid, but ....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.

It gets worse........
Next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

'Shuffling Billy' and the Bloodworm Scare

Monday was a public holiday here in the UK and so...with nice weather,a three-day weekend and newly-paid-benefits cash burning a hole in their stolen wallets...you can guess where most of the local denizens spent their days...sitting in our waiting room...and then complaining about how hot the glass-walled waiting room became.

Apart from the usual 'PFO-FOOSH'* -wrists and idiot vs. gardening equipment injuries,we also had our fair share of coughs and colds,all convinced of course that they had swine-flu...despite the fact that no respectable virus would choose to live in this town!

And of course we had our daily rationing of the crazies...who unfortunately seem to have met their soul mate in Shuffling Billy.

He is our new triage nurse,entrusted to sort people based on their need for immediate medical treatment as compared to their chance of benefiting from such care. Triage is done in emergency departments where limited medical resources must be allocated to maximize the number of survivors.

Yes...well...

*sigh*

He is preternaturally calm and composed,placid even,never losing his temper,always smiling,always polite,always making pots-of-tea for the rest of the harassed and irritated staff...

No one is this calm...unless they're nuts...on a lot of medication...don't understand the concept of "chaos-and their-role-in-it"...or is a serial killer.

The jury is still out...

And so ,on Monday when we were heaving with patients,he interrupted my consultation to ask if I could 'quickly see' a patient...

I was introduced to a middle aged man who was clearly...well...nuts...plucking at things in the air that only he could see, and having an internal dialogue which ,-in fairness-,seemed to be amusing him...

He was requesting a complete organ check...because he thought that he was infested with blood worms...

Right...blood worms!!

I told Shuffling Billy to do a urine dipstick test on him (just in case he was ill with a real-life illness) and to send him home if it was normal...because he had already done a temperature,BP,oxygen saturation and smegma count...

It was normal...you just can't dipstick test for 'crazy' !



* Pissed,Fell Over=Fell On OutStretched Hand

Snoutbreak 2009 - Part 2

'Mexican Wave' - Snoutbreak 2009*

So first thing Monday morning,our esteemed leader,"BottleBlonde" and her useless deputy "Blodwyn-from-Wales" decided to be pre-emptive and set up an isolation area in our Walk-In Centre , just in case we had any patients fresh from Mexico who might think that they had swine flu.

We are 2 hours drive from Heathrow and Gatwick,with any number of hospitals between the airports and our little Ghetto...and it was raining...and to be honest I didn't think we would be using the room and had planned to catch a few minutes shuteye if there was any opportunity later that day.

So imagine my surprise Dear Reader ,when at about 10h30,a tanned and fit looking couple pitched up,-wearing freaking sombreros-,and told me that they had just flown in from Mexico and had come direct from Heathrow...because they thought they had swine-flu and didn't want to be treated by some 'foreign doctor' in London...so they got a South African Nurse instead.

(Its amazing how far you can stretch your unemployment benefits when you put your mind to it)

After a careful examination ,and much discussion with the Health Protection Agency,I explained to them, that for me to consider a diagnosis of swine flu,that they would need to have some symptoms of flu...in fact even one symptom...between them...would be nice...other than simply flying from Cancun to Heathrow ...and drinking themselves into a coma during the trip home...

Indeed they had 'wine-flu' and were sent home with a flea in their combined ear where they were promptly followed up by their GP and 27 assorted Public Health staff...just out of interest!

As the week has worn on we have had 2 patients come in feeling unwell after spending time in Switzerland;and a lady yesterday who had been on a cruise around the Scandinavian Fjords.She was concerned because there were some Belgians on board the ship.

I drew a map of the world on the wall of my consulting room showing the relative position of Mexico,Norway,Belgium...and our own little corner of heaven...she filed a complaint.

But the best was the patient who came in yesterday,fresh from her flight from Germany.She told me that she works as a civil servant for the British Army in Germany...had got the flu...and heard that the troops had just returned from Mexico...

*sigh*

I had to phone Germany of course just in case it was true...because we would have had to contact the airline...the troops...the people who had been on the train with her...etc

I spoke to the Adjutant...who first had to be convinced that it was a serious phone call...and then fell about laughing...who told me that wherever the troops might have been sent,no one to the best of his knowledge...in the entire history of the Army...had ever been sent to sunny Mexico for training.

Seriously,whilst he didn't know what people did in their free time,he could categorically tell me that no one had been sent to North America in the past 6 months for training.

More importantly,the Commanding Officer had switched off the central heating in the office complex 2 weeks ago, because the CO felt that 'spring' had arrived...and that most of the staff had subsequently developed colds and sniffles...including my patient...whom he knew well...because she had had a cold for 2 weeks and had complained to the CO about the heating...or lack thereof.

And of course,on examination,I could find nothing wrong with her...

Well...nothing that an enema wouldn't cure...

Honestly...everyone is entitled to be stupid but she just really abused the privilege!


* THANKS TO JON STEWART AND THE CAST OF 'THE DAILY SHOW' FOR THE TITLE 'SNOUTBREAK'