Not a very Good Friday

The day had not started well...

First , I woke up and realised that in fact Pamela Anderson wasn't in bed with me...

The new security service didn't know the code to the burglar alarm and when they opened up the building this morning the alarm went off...it is loud,electronic and discordant...and screeched out until 0830 when a technician could finally switch it off.

And then the x-ray system broke down.

The first patient came in complaining that he was bleeding from his rectum...and had been for over 11 months...and he wasn't sure if he had hemorrhoids or not...

I explained that I would need to pull his buttocks apart,look at his bum and possibly even stick a (long and lubricated) finger into his rectum...he declined my kind offer and left...small mercies really as I had only 20 minutes before finished my Egg-and-Sausage McMuffin...

The second patient came in already dressed in pyjamas and dressing gown,his wife clutching a small BOAC overnight bag...unfortunately for him,he had come to the wrong hospital...so Julian organised a taxi-on account-to take him to the correct hospital.
Nice man,sad case.

The third patient came in complaining that she had symptoms of cystitis...a nice quick and easy case...though I did wonder why Julian was sniggering when he brought her to my room and brought the urine sample with her...

"Right...good morning...what can I do for you today?"

Well...what it is...obviously...I've got a urine infection...

"Do you have any frequency or urgency ? Does it burn or is it painful when you pass water?"

No...not really...

"Uh huh...okay...I see that my colleague has done a dipstick test on the sample you gave him...and it appears to be absolutely clear...'no abnormalities detected' as we say...he's also made a note that the urine is very clear..."

I pick up the container...which feels icy cold...unscrew the top,and sniff the contents...and then drink some of the urine...

(What she doesn't know is that Julian has swapped the containers...and...'given me one he had prepared earlier')

Horrified the patient stares at me ...

"Right...well I have to say that my ex-wife was frigid but honestly...even her urine came out at body temperature...this is water isn't it?"

Ummm....yerss....well...what it is ...I've got a lot of shopping to do today and I didn't want to wait...so I filled the specimen container with water from the drinking fountain...

(Julian had seen her doing this when he was taking PyjamaMan out to his taxi)

"Right madam...go and wait back outside...here's a new specimen jar...and when you feel that
you can fill it...with urine...do so and give it back to me..."

Ten minutes later shes back with a fresh specimen...a darker coloured orange

"Okay ma'am...well...this is also a bogus specimen isn't it ?"

Umhhh...well...no...I've just passed that sample...

"No you didn't ma'am...."

Well prove it then...!!!

"Firstly... its fizzy!!!"

"Secondly there is so much sugar in it that the test strip has turned green...if this is your urine then you're unconscious and I'm just a very bad dream..."

"Mainly though...Heidi Vodka,our receptionist...saw you buy a can of Fanta Orange from the vending machine and take it into the toilet and come out 1 minute later...you could at least have had the gumption to buy a Diet drink!!"

Oh...okay...well...I just don't have time to wait...

"Ja...well...you don't appear to have UTI either..."

So whats wrong with me ?

"Well...I don't know what your problem is to be honest... but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce...and its only found in the Big Book of Psychiatry..."