The Boerewors Emergency Medicine Chronicles: Fashion Police

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Fashion Police

FASHION * POLICE

FIXED PENALTY NOTICE

CHARGE - "MUTTON-DRESSED-AS-LAMB"

Dear Ann Teak

I write to you following a complaint from a member of the public regarding your attendance at the Minor Injury Unit yesterday.

I have to advise you ,that whilst the major winter-2008 fashion style for women is a black mini-skirt (which may be pleated) with dark tights/pantyhose/stockings/leggings,that this fashion really only applies to women under the age of 21.

In exceptional circumstances and specifically for the "festive season",this age may be raised to 25.

In no circumstances however may the circumference of the combined thighs of the wearer exceed the mandatory measurement of 2m.

You have therefore been charged with 2 counts against common decency:-
(1) I understand that you are aged 63.And a very old and frankly,decrepit 63.
(2)Additionally, that your thighs have a combined circumference of 7 m.

DCI Knacker from the specialist 'Lingerie Squad' has asked me to inform you that if you wear a black mini-skirt and black pantyhose,that you should not wear white underwear-even if you think that white knickers are invisible underneath your black hose...because they aren't invisible and a small child has had to be referred to the PTSD team for immediate intervention after you sat in the waiting room, apparently endlessly crossing-,and uncrossing-,your legs.

Please pay this fine directly by donating your mini-skirt to Oxfam so that they might turn it into a tent for the crisis in Darfur.

Supt Percy Vereance

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What I do and where I do it

Naturally...naturally... this blog is a complete work of fiction.Of course it is... None of the people (or their relatives) or any apparent colleague or indeed any event mentioned within the blog, exist, or have ever existed. Really..no..really...Honestly..trust me..*right*

If you think that you recognise yourself, -particularly if you are a clinician or an ex-girlfriend-, then you have a narcissistic personality disorder.

However if any part was true then the introduction might read something like this:-
I work as an autonomous Emergency Nurse Practitoner serving a charming English seaside town called Little-Ghetto-on-Sea, on the East coast, closer in fact to Europe than to London.
We treat a wide range of minor illness and injury , with admitting privileges to St Vulva's, the main academic hospital some 20 miles away .
It is apparently one of the UK's most densely populated city's...and fits Littlejohn's discription in the Daily Mail when he says,"most British seaside towns are run-down dole-claimant dormitories,which seem to take a perverse delight in driving people away through a combination of rip-off prices , tatty boarding houses and disgusting food and draconian parking regimes" . It often feels as if it is the setting for 'Little Britian' which most foreign readers will know is more social commentary than cutting-edge comedy.Indeed most of the male patients are typically shaven headed pierced,inked,dirty-fingered,dull eyed ,baseball-cap wearing, unemployed smokers with prodigious drinking skills. The women have a limited vocabularly, ranging from "innit" to "my (human) rights" with not much else inbetween.Invariably they have several children from different consorts (love that word!) and walk through the town talking on their cell phones and ignoring their children.There are few vegetarians and even fewer graduates.

DISCLAIMER

This site is for entertainment purposes only.

Any patient interactions or cases that are posted here are not based upon any single person ,living or dead ;or any specific event.

Conversations in quotes and remarks that appear to be quoted verbatim are not necessairly true. All patient details are changed to make identifying them impossible, far exceeding the minimum standards for de-identification of patient information.

However , occasionally , ECG strips ,photographs,or x-ray images that are of clinical interest are posted and are subject to that particular patient having given me written permission for the image to be published;and no original NHS images or materials are used,removed or uploaded from any of the hospitals in which I work.

Under no circumstances should any reader assume or think that any nursing or medical advice is being dispensed.

No nurse/patient relationship,- or indeed any theraputic relationship of any kind-,will be established by you reading and/or commenting upon this blog.