Hello...is that the Guinness Book of Records?

To the Honourable Urologist-on-Call

Thank you for accepting this patient.

He is a student at the local University ,and in drink yesterday, decided to try and set a new world record for masturbation.
He informs me that he "successfully" masturbated for six hours.
I have not questioned his definition of "successful".

I am unsure who was supposed to verify his record attempt as I understand it largely involved himself; three x 2L bottles of strong cider; a broadband connection and a takeaway pepperoni pizza.

He has presented this morning with several problems.

I have thus far treated a neck sprain; a tendonitis in his right shoulder; an acute  tennis elbow; an acute  golfers elbow; a De Quervain's tenosynovitis ; a trigger thumb; and a mallet finger injury to his right index finger.

I am however not able to treat his red,bruised, deformed, swollen and frankly macerated penis...through which he can no longer pass urine. 

I have tried to insert a catheter but it was rather like attempting to knit a bowl of jelly with a straw.

And his screams proved distracting to my colleagues and the other patients.

Kind regards

Lucien.