The Boerewors Emergency Medicine Chronicles: I didn't really mind that...

Saturday 14 January 2012

I didn't really mind that...

Dear Madam

I didn't really mind that you came to a busy Minor Injuries Unit on a Saturday afternoon with a condition you described as "passing fresh blood from my back passage"...

I didn't believe you when you said that you had never had hemorrhoids...(or piles)...before,but I didn't really mind that I had to examine you...

I didn't really mind that your husband-,who is 25 years older than you-, sat in the consulting room the whole time...

I didn't really mind that your husband seemed to enjoy watching me perform what is quite an embarrassing examination on you...

I didn't really mind that your husband is a Registered Sex Offender and that was why I had to examine you as the Designated Nurse for Perverts in this area...

I didn't really mind that you had clearly not cleaned your "back passage" after your last bowel movement,despite knowing that you were coming to hospital...

...that is after all why I was wearing a mask...

I didn't really mind that I had to prescribe some medicines for you and that you will not pay any prescription charges because neither you nor your husband work because you are both on 'benefits' due to "stress" ...

But honestly...

...when I suggested that you go home and have a shower and clean yourself up before using the ointment...

...was it really necessary to turn to your husband...

...and in a simpering "little girl lost voice" ask him to wash you 'down there'...

...and then for him to smile tenderly back at you and agree to do so...

This job...

...this town...

...sometimes its like a government experiment in scum propagation...

...and my Unit is the petri dish...

*Oy*

1 comment:

Lynda Halliger Otvos (Lynda M O)15 January 2012 at 16:43
ACK !~! My deepest sympathies for you for this meeting of the glove and mucous membrane. Yowza, man, some people are so ignorant.
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What I do and where I do it

Naturally...naturally... this blog is a complete work of fiction.Of course it is... None of the people (or their relatives) or any apparent colleague or indeed any event mentioned within the blog, exist, or have ever existed. Really..no..really...Honestly..trust me..*right*

If you think that you recognise yourself, -particularly if you are a clinician or an ex-girlfriend-, then you have a narcissistic personality disorder.

However if any part was true then the introduction might read something like this:-
I work as an autonomous Emergency Nurse Practitoner serving a charming English seaside town called Little-Ghetto-on-Sea, on the East coast, closer in fact to Europe than to London.
We treat a wide range of minor illness and injury , with admitting privileges to St Vulva's, the main academic hospital some 20 miles away .
It is apparently one of the UK's most densely populated city's...and fits Littlejohn's discription in the Daily Mail when he says,"most British seaside towns are run-down dole-claimant dormitories,which seem to take a perverse delight in driving people away through a combination of rip-off prices , tatty boarding houses and disgusting food and draconian parking regimes" . It often feels as if it is the setting for 'Little Britian' which most foreign readers will know is more social commentary than cutting-edge comedy.Indeed most of the male patients are typically shaven headed pierced,inked,dirty-fingered,dull eyed ,baseball-cap wearing, unemployed smokers with prodigious drinking skills. The women have a limited vocabularly, ranging from "innit" to "my (human) rights" with not much else inbetween.Invariably they have several children from different consorts (love that word!) and walk through the town talking on their cell phones and ignoring their children.There are few vegetarians and even fewer graduates.

DISCLAIMER

This site is for entertainment purposes only.

Any patient interactions or cases that are posted here are not based upon any single person ,living or dead ;or any specific event.

Conversations in quotes and remarks that appear to be quoted verbatim are not necessairly true. All patient details are changed to make identifying them impossible, far exceeding the minimum standards for de-identification of patient information.

However , occasionally , ECG strips ,photographs,or x-ray images that are of clinical interest are posted and are subject to that particular patient having given me written permission for the image to be published;and no original NHS images or materials are used,removed or uploaded from any of the hospitals in which I work.

Under no circumstances should any reader assume or think that any nursing or medical advice is being dispensed.

No nurse/patient relationship,- or indeed any theraputic relationship of any kind-,will be established by you reading and/or commenting upon this blog.