Wednesday, 20 July 2011

From the top to the bottom

Another busy Sunday and a never ending stream of patients,most of whom are the "worried well" ;the "old-and-confused-but-still-managing-to-be-rude"; or...well...honestly...the "just mad".

I was coming to the end of examining a taxi driver who had pain in his right ear for 4 days.Like most of the local cabby's he was from Eastern Europe and thus felt more entitled than even the local yokels to a full and free examination when it suited him...clearly someone else who thinks that "Emergency" is a Latin word that means 'go to hospital whenever its most convenient for you' !

I was coming to the end of a full and comprehensive examination which I knew would yield no surprises...but you know...'thoroughness' is my middle name.
Actually my middle name is probably 'rude sod',but lets not quibble !

So...what is wrong with me ?

"You have a mild external ear infection....its called an otitis externa...take the prescription to the chemist...use the drops....and it will settle down"

He stood up and started to walk to the door.
He didn't bother to say 'thank you'.
I didn't bother to say 'good-bye'.

I started to finish my notes.

Can I just ask you one other thing?


Well...when I was having sex last night, my wife said that there were some things sticking out of my bum...

"Uh huh..."

She didn't know what they were...

"Uh huh..."

Do you know what they are...?

"Well...since I'm not sure what vantage point your wife was in ,that she was looking at your bum during sex...
...and since you've got your clothes on...
...and since you haven't even bought me a lobster dinner...
...then,-no-, I don't know what it might be..."

"Drop your pants and lean over the bed and I'll have a look..."

What....? You want me to take my pants down...?


Do I have to?

" don't have to....but if you want me to determine what it is that is sticking out of your bum, then its the only way I can do that..." just feels a little strange...

"I'm sure your wife said the same thing..."


"Would it help you if I dimmed the lights and told you that I will still love you in the morning?"

What does that mean?

Oh the joy of having patients who don't understand colloquial sarcasm!!

"It means that I will use a lot of KY jelly..."

My eyes are still watering...

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