A beautiful Saturday afternoon in our little Jewel-in-the-Crown...and so there was a 3 hour wait as the locals wanted a trip out for the day...and couldn't afford the bus fare to the beach.
"Ms Kommunion ? Ms Holly Kommunion ?"
A pale , thin,40-ish spinster unfolded herself from the chair and folded up her copy of "Cats and the single woman weekly".
Despite the sunshine,she was carrying an umbrella and wearing a pale purple woolen cardigan.
Her grey hair was cut tight around her head,as if to keep any evil thoughts from entering her mind by osmosis from the hoi polloi surrounding her.
She looked like a stick insect that had been dressed by Picasso...from his "spinster-of-the-parish" period.
She appeared to be the only person in the waiting room who wasn't using a mobile phone.
"Good afternoon...sorry for the long wait today...what can I do for you then?"
It's my knee...I've injured my knee...
"Uh huh...what happened?"
Well it wasn't my fault...
...I was in Church last week...
...in London...
...I went up to hear an Irish priest speak...you know...she simpered slightly
"Uh huh..."
Well...there I was...standing up for the prayers...
...minding my own business...
...and there was a Black woman standing next to me...
...and you know what they're like...
I raised my right eyebrow.
You know...Black people...
...they're all fat and stupid...
I raised my left eyebrow.
I suppose it wasn't her fault though...
I raised both eyebrows.
You see there was another fat stupid Black woman standing next to her...
...and she fell over first...
...and knocked my fat woman over into me...
Keeping both eyebrows raised I leant back and crossed my arms.
I don't know what was wrong with the first fat woman...
...there were 5 or 6 people helping her after she fell to the floor...
...and then some paramedics...
....they were making a lot of noise...
...you know how much noise Black people make...
...I could hardly hear the prayers...
I took a deep breath and sighed.
So you see it had nothing to do with me...
...there I was,minding my own business and these fat stupid Black women fell into me and I twisted my knee...
So...she said triumphantly...what do you think is wrong with me?
I regarded her quietly for a few minutes.
"Julian...please bring me a bottle of sterile water...asap!!"
He did...and stayed to watch.
I made the sign of the cross over the bottle and said..."In nomine patris, et Filii , et Spiritus Sancti...Amen"
What are you doing...?
"I'm blessing this water..."
Why...?
"Well my working diagnosis is that the milk of your human kindness has curdled...
...and my differential diagnosis is that you're possessed by demons..."
She look startled...
"Either way I think you need to be exorcised!"
I opened the bottle and prepared to shake it over her...either that or add some Gin.
And, "Yes dear reader"...she filed a complaint.
Guess how much it bothered me...?
Answers on a postcard to the usual address...
Did you really?
ReplyDeleteReminds me of my fight in Nieu Bethsda. O, wee, die k-woord.
Why don't you publish your comments?
ReplyDeleteHello Marie...I really did say that...I get into a lot of trouble at work but just cannot abide-,and will not tolerate-,racism in any form...and I sometimes get the feeling that the patients think that because I have a South African accent that I am "automatically" a racist...*sigh*.
ReplyDeleteJa nie...ek weet nee!