Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Once,twice,three times a lady...

It was just a horrible , horrible weekend at work...very hot in the building and very busy and short of staff...since there was such glorious weather I think all the patients assumed that everybody else would be at the beach...unfortunately everybody else thought the same thing...and so we were seeing old injures and spurious illnesses, only leaving the Unit at 2230 on Saturday and 2315 on Sunday...having started work at 0800 on both days.

Admittedly I did add a "very-rare-specimen-patient" to my collection...a charming and chatty lady of 76 who had no medical problems of any sort;who was not on any medications of any description;who had no allergies;who didn't smoke;who was fit and well in mind,body,spirit and soul...and who still worked part-time in a charity shop...she came in having sustained a shin-flap injury whilst working in her garden.

Very rare to find any patient over 50 in England who isn't on at least one medication...so quite excited by that...!!

(Note to self: get a life!!)

So after a sleep-in that in fact lasted until 1500 on Monday afternoon,I decided to drive out into the countryside with a friend for an early dinner and visit a once favourite country pub...just really liked the idea of sitting in the twilight in an English country garden setting,sipping a long cold drink...several long cold drinks...quite literally stopping to smell the roses.

I had not been back to the pub since an unfortunate internet date 2 years ago...but since I've shaved my beard off and lost some weight I was hoping that I wouldn't be recognised.

Like most modern single people I've tried finding the love of my life online...and generally been unsuccessful to be honest...and so I met Jane on one of the more edgy dating sites...

She had her own business,didn't have children,was 10 years younger,and her emails were witty and hopeful.
She looked very attractive in her online photographs...
And by 'attractive' I naturally mean that she had significant mammary hyperplasia...big boobies!!

And so after exchanging emails for a few weeks we decided to meet for drinks and dinner one evening...we arranged that she would meet me at St Vulvas ,and go to the pub together in her car.

As she drove I noticed that she had very large hands and had a strong sure grip on the steering wheel of her Ford Explorer 4x4...
I wondered idly if she had Marfan's syndrome*...
But what a magnificent chest!!

As we chatted in the dusk I became aware that she had a deep voice and quite a square jawline...
But what a magnificent chest!!

Eventually we came to this charming little pub...she easily parallel-parked and got out of the car.

In fact her boobs got out first and she followed them about 45 seconds later...
And I did notice that she was quite tall...but hey...I like a challenge!!

And...did I mention her magnificent chest?

As we walked into the dining room the convivial buzz gradually fell silent as everybody turned to look at her....and then me...and then back to her.

A bepimpled teenager stammeringly asked us if we would like a table and then took us to a table in a corner...over the next 10 minutes we got bread rolls,butter,more rolls,free drinks,and even a little amuse-bouche of pork scratchings and pickled eggs...I think everybody who worked there came to look at us.

Eventually we were left alone...Jane had a steak,I had a prawn salad

So...have you been married before?

"Yes",I replied."I was married for about 14 years and have been single now for about 10 years"

Not met anyone nice then?

"No...not really..."
Well...in fairness...you can only keep people chained up in the basement for so long before the fuzz come knocking on the door.

"And you...have you been married?"

Yes...I was married for seven years and then my partner had an affair so we got divorced...and I moved to Germany and got married on the rebound I suppose...so that didn't work and we got divorced after about six months...


And then I went to Thailand and had the operation...

"Oh...right....what operation was that then?"

My male-to-female sex change operation...

Ah...so the magnificent chest was shop bought rather than organic...


So...no opportunity to practice my T.U.B.E.^ technique there then...

So much for that cunning plan !!

And yes...of course they recognised me!!

*Marfan's syndrome is a genetic condition in which the connective tissue of the body, which is an important structural component in all organs, is abnormally weak and elastic

^TUBE=Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination

1 comment:

  1. i`ll go on a date with you if you bring me coffee and rusks in bed in the morning before a long day, cook me boerewors and a fried egg for breakfast after a night shift and shag my brains out so i sleep well all day and am awake enough for the next night shift. also i want lots of holidays in game parks in SA: and i want you to pretend to be a game ranger. i am blond, have boobies and have always been female