Monday, 19 January 2009

The single biggest killer of men is....

Sunday morning and as I click on the 'Next Patient' button on my computer,I see that the case has been flagged up for my attention.

This usually means that the patient has complex medical needs or is very ill or is barking mad or is a man with a urological problem.
Just occasionally,its an attractive young woman with a sore throat...put through to me by the Triage Nurse , just to cheer me up and keep me motivated.

A gelled-hair, acne-ridden, truculent looking teenager comes into my room.He is inevitably ,wearing a dirty England football shirt with 'Beckham' on the back,and those low-slung trousers that just look stupid.

He swaggers into the room ,chewing gum with that vacant yet challenging stare,and sprawls,-uninvited-,on the patent's chair.He's still plugged into his iPod.

"Please...make your self at home...why don't you ..."


"Please switch off the iPod and remove the headphones...or go back outside."

With a great sigh and theatrical indifference he complies with my request.

"Right young man...what can I do for you today then?"

Its my cock,innit !?!

"I beg your pardon ? Do you have a problem with your penis then?"

(Oh happy day...just what I need before lunch!)

Well...yerhh ?

" whats been going on ? What's happened?"

Well on Saturday I had sex...and I think I have a problem now

"So...what type of sex were you engaged in ? In the episodic-solitary-single handed-sexual-activity kind of sex...was it ?


"Were you masturbating ?"

Wot ?

"Spanking the monkey ? Choking the chicken ? Milking the cobra ? Bleeding the dragoon ? Restoring the balance to the universe ? Twisting the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come ? Performing diagnostics on the king ? Burping Kojak ? Five-knuckle-shuffle on the elephant's trunk ? Yankin' the self-serve pump ? Scratchin' the purple people pleaser ? Making like Hans Solo and stroking Agent Johnson know......wanking ?


"And whats going on then ? Whats the problem ?" won't go back to normal

"What 'won't go back to normal' ? Are you having a problem with your foreskin ? Can't you pull it back then ?...Okay...well...lets have a look"

I snap on the gloves and switch on the light.

You're not gonna touch it are you?


"No...I promise you that I will try to restrain myself from touching your difficult as that may be"

He drops his pants and pulls out his much-thumbed member.

I actually rocked back on my chair...he had the biggest ,shiniest , purplest paraphimosis I have ever seen.

It looked like a python was swallowing a small dog.Sideways.

It looked as if he had wrapped a life-belt around it.
One with a flashing red light on it.

It was so big that it had its own liver.

"Okaaaaaaaaay this happened on Saturday then ?"

Yes...Saturday last week

"Right...8 days then...have you been able to pass urine ? Pass water ?"

No...not since Friday night

Will you be able to help me ?

I'm really scared!

The On-call Urologist had him in theatre in under an hour.

And so,Dear Reader,its not testicular cancer or prostate cancer that kills men.

Its embarrassment.

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