'Can you check a patient for me ? I have a weird x-ray '
She gets most of her patients triple-consulted...and only comes to me as a last resort...I'm the only person she works with who is honest enough to tell her to give up her day job and get a job as a check-out clerk at a supermarket...
"Whats the story?"
'Well...my patient says that he woke up this morning with a painful left leg...he had a few drinks last night and may have fallen and injured his leg...anyway...he can't weight-bear on that leg...and he's crying in pain'
"Jah...and?"
'Well I x-rayed his leg and I can't see a break but there is some odd thing in his tibia...and I don't know what it is...'
"Okay...well...he's had an old fracture...look there on the tib and there on his fib...and the 'weird thing' that you can see is an orthopaedic metal pin...but there's nothing obviously new on this film...oy...lets go and have a look at him them"
We walk into 3M's exam room where a large sweaty man bearing a close resemblance to the love child of Jabba-the-Hutt and Princess Fiona from Shrek is lying groaning on the trolley.
He is wearing shorts and a dirty t-shirt...and its 3C outside and raining.
His left leg is mildly swollen in comparison to his right leg...more importanly,it shows several old surgical scars
"Good day Sir...my name is Lucien...when did you break your left leg then?"
I've never broken my leg!!
"Really...well come and have a look at your x-ray..."
I can't walk...
'He can't walk!!'
"Yes you can...come on...get up and have a look at the film..."
And of course he can walk...he jumps up off of the trolley and jogs into the viewing room...
and looks at the x-ray...
and denies having ever broken his leg...
or ever having had orthopaedic surgery...
despite me showing him the scars on his leg...
and suggests that maybe he was born with a piece of surgical steel in his leg...
that perhaps...
-and its a long shot,he appreciates-
but perhaps , he is half man/half cyborg...
"Well Sir...I guess that you've sprained your ankle...you need to go home and rest it for a while...by the way...how long have you been taking the schizophrenic meds?"
Oh...about 20 years...
"Okay...well...3M will organise a taxi back home for you"
Thanks...but could you just send me back to St Nutters Misercordia psychiatric hospital?
"No worries...Okay 3M? ...will you organise that then?"
ENP's 1 - Psych service NIL
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