Wednesday, 17 September 2008 call me,baby...

As most of you know, I have 2 wonderful children; and was present at the birth of each of them. In the room. Sweating and panting. Cursing and vomiting. Watching the transubstantiation process take place as their mother changed from a human being into what can only be described as a troll, squatting on the bed, flailing out with her drip at the midwife whilst screaming “never ever again you fat bastard” at me, like the Hunchback of Notre Dame ; and then she turned back into the most beautiful mother holding the most gorgeous baby.


Personally, I 've been a vegetarian ever since.

I used to think-before this placement on the Labour Ward-,that pregnant women were attractive. If of course I ever really, actually gave it any serious thought…its more just the sort of thing that you say, isn’t it?
Like, “what a lovely baby”.

In truth, having been very up-close-and-personal with at least 13 mothers this week, I can report to the Academy, that –and all other variables having been taken into consideration-,that pregnant women are NOT attractive.

I mean, their husbands find them attractive…or at least say that they do….but I think that it’s a type of “pregnancy goggles”, that nature changes the biochemistry of the husbands’ brain to get him to stay with her, so that the woman appears attractive.
So the “beer goggles” provide the opportunity for initiation of conception; and the “pregnancy goggles” provide for completion of conception.

And the whole delivery process is a combination of bizarre and mind-blowing !

The c-section births were the hardest to watch to be honest….its essentially abdominal surgery…with the woman awake, behind a screen, whilst the OBGYN is rooting around in her abdomen, lifting the bladder to one side to make the cut…..and then, suddenly, like a sea-side magician plucking a coin from behind a child’s ear, he pulls a live freaking, wet, crying, ACTUAL human being out of the woman…Lordy lordy.

Well, I managed not to faint, as I stood there clutching my phial of Holy Water in one hand and my testicles in the other….mainly I think because I was expecting Sigourney Weaver to drop from the air-conditioning and shoot the alien stone dead!!

And the so-called “normal vaginal deliveries” were not that easy either.

Honestly, just how does a woman push a 3kg baby with a head measuring 35cm in circumference, out of that tiny hole?

There is pushing and grunting and coughing and spitting and blood and tears and hemorrhoids and vomiting and pain and swearing and gouging and hitting and pushing again and bearing down and IV lines and drugs and shavings and then…. “POP”….there’s an extra person in the room…a red and squirming and wet and slippery and barely breathing and hungry and upset little bundle of joy, demanding immediate gratification…..and its right there….right now!!

So today I helped with the delivery of twins…finally after 2 weeks the staff decided that I could probably be trusted to do something ‘useful’….since they’ve spent the whole week teaching me to suck eggs.

So there I was, holding the mothers Left leg up whilst she pushed…intermittently chatting to her and the dad….and then “whoosh” the little girl was born and I rubbed her down and checked her apgar score and what not and wrapped her up and popped her under the heater in the resusi-crib, like some sort of bizarre hotdog on Satan’s takeaway counter….and then she pushed out the little boy….who was a little flat…needed some very basic resuscitation….just a little suction and some oxygen…and then he too perked up and started to cry.

Oh gosh Eh…that’s really great…said the dad
“Congratulations..lovely babies”
(I can lie with the best of them)
They are…Eh?!
You’ve been so kind and helpful and we can see what you did for Katon
(“ ‘Katon’ …dear lord…give the kid a chance”)
We’d like use your name for his second name ,Eh
What is it?

“Well thank you very much…that’s nice…my name is Lucien”

Oh that’s good name, eh …
Now tell me, what part of Australia do you come from?

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