Monday, 4 February 2013

Criminal mastermind....not!

Another wet and cold Saturday...
...another Saturday without cleaners...
...another 'short of staff' Saturday...


At least I can get the people lower in the food chain than me,-the Health Care Support Workers-, to empty the dustbins.
At least I have enough chocolate.
Which I don't intend to share with anyone.

And it being another Saturday, it means we will be picking up the pieces as the the assorted criminal geniuses and policing masterminds of this great city play their weekly game of "Hide and Seek".

Sure enough , just after lunch, its time to welcome back 'Colin the Crippled Criminal'.

I see him at least once every 2-3 weeks, which is a sign of his ineptness as a thief and the complete lack of indifference by the forces of law and order to actually lock him away for life.

He has a chronic leg ulcer, apparently as a result of having compartment syndrome to his left leg...
...which he broke 10 years trying to run away for  the police.

His story is that the wound never healed after the extensive and life saving surgery.
My belief is that he sits and picks at it daily to ensure that he can claim social security...when he isn't burglarising houses...
...or being drunk and abusive in public...
...or beating up his numerous girlfriends...

And so we see him with chronic pain and a septic wound every few weeks...
...and every few weeks I do a wound swab and have to ensure that he is fit enough to be detained for 24 hours.

"Right...well your leg doesn't look to bad....and it certainly doesn't smell..."

Do you think its infected...?

"No...but given your choice of trying to get a feature role in 'the lifestyles of the poor and obscure', I'll do a wound swab anyway..."

I popped the swab from the container and  rubbed it over the ulcer...
...the cops both looked away.

"Okay....I'll just get Julian to clean the ulcer and dress it with mepitel and inadine for today...Okay?"

Okay...what about tomorrow...?

"Well the custody nurse can change the dressing..."

My leg really hurts a lot...

"Jah...I'm sure it does..."

It doesn't seem to be getting any better...

"Well...that's your choice to some extent..."

Do you think they'll cut my leg off if I ask...?

"I wouldn't have thought've got a good  pulse to your foot and no loss of sensation..."

But the pain is really bad...

"Uh huh..."

Can you cut my leg off...?

" tempting as that request is, its probably illegal..."

Well can you send me to someone who will cut my leg off...?

"Sure....but I have to just ask you one thing..."


"Well you're clearly not the world's best criminal given the number of times the fuzz catch you...."


"So if you're stuck in a wheelchair with only one leg...really what are the chances of you ever making a successful getaway...?"


" the never got me that Rolex for my birthday..."


  1. Now stop it!!!! You are using sarcasm on people who are most unable to understand it. Dear me, pointing out the bleeding obvious the munters who attend your department....... What next? Teaching the granny of 30 how to suck eggs???

  2. You know Mal, you should be writing for more than just us.

  3. Hey GrumpyRN, are you related to Dr. Grumpy? His wife is a school nurse, I think. One big grumpy family?