Chili con carne

Another Saturday morning, another day of heartache and misery for the patients who have to deal with me after I was told on Friday that  I have been underpaid for 2 years!

And I am at work again on a Saturday!!

Oh well...at least Julian has promised to keep my coffee fresh.

The first patient was a middle aged man,happy and  cheerful but with a worried look on his face and an odd gait.

"Good morning Sir...what can i do for you today then?"

Well what it is....obviously...my foreskin is swollen and itchy and feels like its burning...

*dear Lord....really...?...the first patient is another penis...?...my readers are going to think even stranger thoughts about me than they already do*

"Uh huh....and when did this start then?"

Ummmh....I think it started on Thursday evening...

"Right...lets just cover some basic stuff then Sir...."

He didn't have a temperature...

He didn't feel unwell...

He had no problem passing urine...

He didn't have any urinary tract infection signs or symptoms...

His urine dipstick test was normal...

Finally I had to physically examine his foreskin.

"Okay Sir...let me just slap on some gloves...if you could please stand up and drop your trousers and underpants..."

I'm a little embarrassed...

"Nothing to be embarrassed about Sir...its just one of those weird legal things...I have to physically examine you at some stage...I can turn off the lights if that will help?"

He duly pulled out his penis and I realised why he was embarrassed.

His foreskin was red and slightly swollen and looked....well...like he was having some sort of allergic reaction to it...but just the tip...and he could fully retract it.

"Ummmhh...it looks like an allergic reaction to something..."

Really...?

"Jah...really...have you been using any new soap or shower gel or deodorant ? Has your wife bought a new washing powder or fabric softener?"

No I don't think so...

"Ummmmhh...well what about a new condom or lubricant?"

No mate...

"Well I'm at a loss to explain it to be honest....has it got worse or better over the past day? or has it stayed the same?"

No its getting better...what I'd really like mate, is for the swelling to stay but the itching and burning to go...he leered.

"Well....take some anti histamines and if it doesn't settle down pop off to your GP..."

Okay...thanks...

He stood up to leave.

Do you think it could be chili what caused it?

"Chili...? Sure...but what exactly were you doing with a chili in such close proximity to your penis? Where you trying to 'spice up' your sex life?"

(sometimes I'm just sooooooooooo funny)

No...well...what it was...the missus made a killer chili con carne on Thursday evening for my 'tea' ...

"Uh huh..."

...and we was sitting on the sofa watching a movie...

"Uh huh..."

 ...and she put her hand down my shorts and started to fiddle with my bits....in between eating the chili...

(really...she couldn't use chutney like the rest of us?)

"I see...and when did the itching and burning start in relation to your teatime activities...?"

Actually...almost straight away now that I think about it...

"Oy..."

So do you think its the chili then...?

"Jah...I think it was the chili..."

What can I do about it then...?

"Ummmhh....well...pop off to the supermarket and buy three avocados...a small tomato...a small onion...a small glove of garlic...a small bunch of coriander...and two limes..."

Yes...and then...?

"Take it all home and get your wife to make some guacamole and pop it in the fridge..."

Yes...and then...?

"Well...the next time you have chili con carne, put a dollop of that on her plate or your penis...which ever is the easiest...!"

Oh....I suppose you think you're funny do you...?

"No...not really....but in fairness, that's a killer recipe..."

He stood up and glared at me.

"Oh...and don't forget to buy some nachos..."