Tuesday 15 May 2012

One testicle,two testicles, three testicles, four...



A few years ago, on the way back from writing an exam in Halifax, Nova Scotia, (and because I was using air-miles to 'pay' for my ticket) , I had a free day in Boston, a city I had always wanted to visit,particularly after reading all of the "Spenser" novels...
...and in particular I wanted to visit Quincy Market...which I did and where, to be honest, I 'ate myself into a coma' as we used to say in Joburg.
In particular I was in search of a dessert called a cannoli...which I found and immediately fell in love with to the extent that I would have married it and asked it to have my children!!
Every time I go to the US I hunt cannoli down and eat them with joy and much licking-of-fingers and wiping-of-cream-from-my-beard.

Until last Sunday...

It was a beautiful day in our little franchise of hell and so by 10h00 there were over 26 patients waiting to be seen...in fact I was still seeing patients at 23h30 that night despite the Unit having officially closed at 21h30...

My last patient of the morning, just before my lunch break , was a pleasant 70 year old gentleman accompanied by his charming wife.

He walked slowly in with that peculiar 'gun slingers gait' indicating that he had a "groin problem" of some description.

He slowly, carefully, gingerly lowered himself onto the edge of the examination couch.

"Good morning Sir...what can I do for you today then...?"

Well...what it is...obviously...I've got a swelling to my right testicle and its very very painful...I think its a boil...

Oh happy day!!

"When  did you first notice it then...?"

Well...I was driving back from London on Friday and my balls felt a bit awkward...

His wife nodded her head in agreement...Awkward...

"Right...well I suppose I should have a look then...stand up please and loosen your trousers and just let them fall to the floor whilst I have a quick look..."

I turned around to get some gloves and when I turned back he had dropped his pants and was presenting his testicles to me...
...all three of them...
...left...
...middle...
...right...

"Good grief!!"

Yerrh...its really painful and swollen...

"Have a lie down Sir and I'll have a closer look..."

Gratefully he sank onto the couch, still cradling his testicles like a juggler from the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine.

"Julian...can you come and give me a hand here please?" I called through the door.

Julian bounced into the room , looked at my patient and gave a little scream...
...he was clearly so shocked and distressed that I  decided to excuse him since I wanted to get some  work from him later that day.

"Right Sir...I'm just going to have to examine all those bad boys then...."

I can't bear it, said his wife. I'm going to close my eyes

"Jah...well....I think I'm going to close my eyes as well..."

You can't do that...how will you know where to look...?

"Well I'm just going to follow the landmarks...start at your nose and work my way down..."

You're joking...?

"Jah...I'm joking."

His left testicle looked and felt normal.

His 'middle'  testicle looked and felt normal.

His right 'testicle' looked and felt like a huge freaking abscess...
...and naturally...
...as I palpated it, it burst...

...and about 3mls of gelatinous yellow, offensive-smelling and blood stained pus shot out from his testicle... 

...fortunately I was wearing a scrub suit which I was able to change before lunch...
...fortunately the cleaners had planned on doing a deep clean in my room anyway...
...fortunately the patient was lying down and so it didn't really matter when he fainted...

"Right Sir...I need to squeeze the rest of this pus out of the abscess, so try and relax..."

Really....do you need to squeeze it...?

"Well we need to get that pus out...I'll be giving you some antibiotics but they will only stop more pus from forming...really , we need to get all of that pus out...trust me"

(Trust me!!! Are you mad!!!)

But squeezing my balls....?

"Well, I'm more than happy to stick a scalpel into them instead if you would prefer that?" 

A scalpel....you want to cut my balls off...?

"Well....not off as such..."

He groaned.
His wife groaned.
Thinking of the four-cheese-ravioli in tomato sauce that I wasn't going to be having for lunch, I too groaned.

And then I started to squeeze.

It was difficult...the patient was simultaneously trying to stop me squeezing his testicle whilst isolating the abscess for me to squeeze.

It took some time with lots of crying and cursing and spitting...from his wife.

Eventually I squeezed out about a further 5mls of what can be best described as a creamy cannoli filling.

The patient lay on the bed for a few minutes composing himself whilst I got the antibiotics for him.

Finally he staggered to his feet...

I'm very grateful for what you've done...

He held out his hand to shake mine...
...the hand which had been buried in his groin...
...I had already removed my gloves...

*sigh*

My life.
Like a deleted scene form a Fellini movie.
And no more cannoli.

4 comments:

  1. Oh man, now I can't eat cannoli anymore!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahaha, we just don't get enough hazard allowance for these 'accidental discharges'.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've never liked cannolis.

    ReplyDelete