Saturday, 10 December 2011

The soap can just stay on the shower floor

Just around the corner from the Unit is a Fitness First gym...the same gym I go to on a daily basis...okay....maybe 4 times a week...alright...once a month for a haircut...but I digress...

Over the past few years it has provided a steady stream of patients,mostly middle aged men straining or spraining various assorted muscles in their arms as they attempt to get fit in time for their first post-divorce blind date.
And one memorable day when I was actually at the gym someone pitched a fit and fell to the floor unconscious almost in front of me...fortunately I had my cell phone and took the time to call for an ambulance as I sipped my coffee and read the Ethics article in the Nursing Times. time passed I have struck up a few casual relationships with various MuscleMary types who have endless low grade sprains and who are always seeking medical advice because they have no time to attend hospital as they are too busy with their training regimes of sniffing cocaine,chatting up gym bunnies ,drinking high protein shakes , admiring themselves in the mirror and injecting illegal steroids.

There is one Steroid Monkey who is apparently a porn film actor...and who has apparently made a good living from it....and take that any way you want...(as he said to his co-star)...


Anyway...he is pleasant enough if a little demanding.
A few months ago he asked me if I could inject a litre of normal saline into his scrotum as he had a film shoot coming up and needed to enhance his man-bits.
I declined.

This morning I was trapped in a leg raise machine working on my quads when he sidled up and asked if he could speak to me.

"Whats going on then?"

Well....I was in America a few months ago...and someone offered to inject my penis with silicone...and so I had it done because it seemed easier than the saline injections...

"Was this a doctor or a nurse?" was someone I met on the shoot...on the 'black market'

"Did they use medical grade silicone?"

I think so...they told me I would be able to mould it to the shape I want...

"Have you been able to mould it then?"

A little bit..

(Don't go there Lucien....just STOP with the jokes)

" whats your question today?"

Well...its turned all lumpy and my penis looks deformed...

"Uh huh."

And when my penis gets warm...even standing in the shower...the silicone seems to get bigger and it looks like I've got an erection...

"Uh huh."

And if I try and mould it ,it looks like I'm having a quick wank in the shower...and some people have complained to the manager...

"Uh huh."

Well its quite embarrassing...

"Uh huh."

And my balls are huge and I'm finding it difficult to walk...

"Uh huh."

So I was wondering if you could help me...?

"Well...I think you need to see a urologist and/or a plastic surgeon..."


"And I can give you a course of Botox..."

What...?....Botox...Into my penis...?

"No...into your forehead to get rid of the worry lines..."

Bada Bing, Bada Boom...

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