Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Advanced Life Support - Part One -Training Day

Like Van Morrison, I adore brown eyed girls.

Verily ... visually and viscerally I am only attracted to brown eyed , brown haired Natalie Portman or Jennifer Grey or Eva Longoria...or even my ex-wife....not to mention 'TheMadWomanWhoBrokeMyHeartAnd StoleMyMoney'.


In fact I don't think that I have ever even dated a blonde haired,blue eyed that percentage of the female population of Europe can now sleep easy!

So imagine my delight when I attended the Advanced Life Support training at St Vulvas last week and found at least five potential 'future-mrs-debeers' in my study group...of six people...I was the sixth!
More than anything else I love...adore...will worship on bended knee even...intelligent, articulate, funny, warm, smart, and,- frankly-, pushy woman...just like all five of the doctors in my group.

The course is intellectually , physically and emotionally arduous...there is continual assessment at each skills-station with the need to demonstrate advanced life saving skills; and there is continual assessment of your knowledge through the medium of the participants running various resuscitation scenarios with the possibility of not being allowed to take the final scenario test.
And the final exam is 'pass/fail'.

I can honestly say that I didn't sleep the night before the course and fell into bed at 20h00 at the end of the first day absolutely exhausted having cried tears of anger and frustration at my lacklustre performance. addition to the various life saving skills I might learn , I do tend to see further- or mandatory-training principally as a way to meet women...simply because the main hospital employes several thousand...not all of whom know me!

I quickly established that all of the five doctors were (unfortunately for me) married ,as they swopped photos of their children over the pre-course coffee.


Still...being an optimistic type I looked forward to meeting our mentors,still hopeful I might meet the 'next-mrs-debeer'.

The first mentor was a middle aged male nurse,the CCU charge nurse in tend to think that when men of a certain age...above 25...wear a fu-manchu moustache and dress like a california surfer dude whilst working in a provincial English hospital,that there is probably little they can teach me as they are too busy being "joe-cool".
This proved to be the case.

The second mentor was the ubiquitous 'bald-head-big-ears-oversized-spectacles' male nurse,a resuscitation officer at another hospital...again middle aged...dressed in ageing and faded denim that was seven kilograms too small around the waist....with a clearly unwaxed abdomen...and who was a smoker!!

The third mentor was a dowdy, frumpy and old-before-her-time young woman dressed in a long dress clearly made from recycled curtains she had got from a vengeful and spiteful mother-in-law,festooned with several necklaces made by her preschool children.
But a nice and helpful person as it turned out.

The fourth still my beating heart...was a tall dark,doe eyed beauty with waves of long auburn hair cascading halfway down her back.
Talking to us,she kept flicking her hair and showing a quick funny smile, her eyes bright with intelligence.
She was simply dressed in peasant type smock and jeans.
I noticed that she wasn't wearing a wedding ring.

This....I thought...has the makings of a very good day.I'm so glad I've washed my man-bits with Dettol soap this morning!!

And then she turned around to write her name and phone number on the blackboard...
...she had a hunchback...
...quite a pronounced kyphosis in fact...
...that explained the long hair.

Still...I'm not actually that much of a shallow and a facile person that I would let a disability stop me from asking someone out on a date.
(Thats someone else's' disability...not one of my many disabilities which frequently stop me from going on dates)

Also....I do have a shovel in my car and the ground is quite soft still. Hamish McHamish McTavish...our new Scots triage nurse put it in his usual sensitive and tactful manner..."Once you get her rocking all you have to do is stand there and catch her on the down stroke".

And so...two days later...having in fact passed the course....I decided to ask her out.

She looked me up and down and said...
..."Thank you...thats sweet of you to ask...but I I don't really date fat people."


Such a pity because she really rang my bell!!

1 comment:

  1. Very amusing and sadly true,,,,the mind boggles a fat man humping a hump backed woman, but i guess we will never know how that would have played out!