Monday, 11 October 2010

Shave and a haircut,two bits!

Sunday morning and there are 3 patients waiting at the doors as we open at 08h00...

Oh happy day!
And the coffee machine is broken... always,there is a young woman with a UTI... always,there is a middle aged woman,still dressed in her (now soiled) Saturday night party finery,slightly hungover,and accompanied by a haunted-looking man,-who clearly has no idea who she is or how he ended up facing Lucien and Julian on a cold wet morning-,and who is requesting the Morning After Pill...

...and a tense looking young man who doesn't appear to have any obvious injury but who walks slowly into the Unit slightly hunched over ,with a coat buttoned up down to his knees.

Finally I got to him...

"Good morning Sir....what can I do for you today?"

Well...what it is...I've cut myself...and I can't stop the bleeding...

"Uh huh...okay...are you a self harmer?" cut myself shaving...

"Uh huh...where...?"

Um...on my willy...

"Okay....what happened?" girlfriend is at university...and she was coming down for the I decided to shave my pubic hair off...cos she likes it like that...


So I've cut my willy...and its been bleeding for about 12 hours and we couldn't get it to stop...


"Lets have a look then..."



He stood up,unbuttoned his coat and an apparent erection was immediately visible...

( Ummmh....long time since I had that effect on a young man...if you exclude Julian...)

He dropped his pants and out popped his penis firmly wrapped in blood satined kitchen roll and held all in place by about 2 meters of plastic insulating tape...

"Wow...that's quite impressive...who did that....your girlfriend?" mum...

Note to self:remember to refer him to psych services.

I picked up my 15 inch paramedic aluminum rescue shears,-that I keep on my desk to hit drunk patients with when they attack me-,and approached him...clicking the scissors open-and closed...his eyes almost popped out of his head.

"Lie down on the bed young man...let's have a look..."

After peeling off the tape,I found a small L-shaped lac,about 1cm long in total,near the base of his penis.It was just through the skin and hadn't damaged the shaft...his urine dipstix was absolutely clear...he also assured me that he had been able to get an erection....indeed it was during the hastily-curtailed foreplay that the wound had really started to bleed,having initially stopped.

"Julian...can you please put a mepital and kaltostat dressing on this laceration for me...I just want to start the notes..."

He sashayed into my room...looked at the wound ...sniggered...and left to get the dressings.
He returned a few minutes later holding a pair of hunter-splinter-forceps and a magnifying glass and switched on the small examination light.
He thinks he is soooooooooo funny.

He dressed the laceration and asked the patient to hold it firmly in place for 20 minutes...and the bleeding stopped...

"Right Sir...that's stopped bleeding and there's no obvious we will just glue that for you..."

Let me just say that the glue always stings...Julian really did need the magnifying glass to complete the job in hand.

So...ummm...when can I have sex again then...?

I looked at Julian.
He looked back at me.
We both looked at the patient.

"You can't have sex for 3 weeks..."

Three weeks...?

" seems odd that it would take that long for the glue to work...but there you are..."

I sighed...
Julian looked suitably crestfallen on behalf of the patient

"If I may misquote Voltaire for you Sir...'The art of medicine consists in amusing myself while nature cures the disease' "

If I'm not getting any sex ...then no one is getting any sex if I can help it!


  1. Damn, that's hilarious. I've also heard of a woman who cut off half of her clitoris by mistake, also while shaving. Embrace the hair, people.

  2. "Julian really did need the magnifying glass to complete the job in hand." Well, I guess since he did have an erection, a hand job was in order. What the heck do you do for women with yeast UTIs? ;-)