The Boerewors Emergency Medicine Chronicles: You get what you pay for...part 3

Friday, 6 August 2010

You get what you pay for...part 3

So I had a good day at work on Thursday...it was relatively quiet;we were well staffed;I was working with a student who was polite and articulate and was willing to listen to my 'war stories'.I had a salad for lunch and spag-boll for dinner.

The highlight of the day was a slobbery kiss-and-hug from a young woman to whom I had given 'God's own dose' of entonox so that I could re-locate her dislocated patella...and ..."yes"...my colleagues have already made all the jokes about the only affection I ever get is from people I have drugged!!

*sigh*

Still...it was a good day,I left work on time and had a sleep-in on Friday morning.Whilst I was idly eating my fruit-&-fibre cereal and wondering if I should drag my weary body to the gym ,the phone rang.

Hummh.

It was the MRI technician...who told me that my scan had been reported on...and that after the Consultant Radiologist had spoken to the Consultant Neurologist yesterday,that she had decided to do some more views.

"Nothing to worry about",I was told.

Uh huh...

So back I went,trying to think of witty remarks to make...but failing.

The staff were just as friendly and professional...and this time offered me a choice of music to listen too...I asked if they had any Sinatra...they offered Dean Martin...a good second choice...

...what they weren't to know was that I am suffering from a broken heart...frankly whatever is happening in my head is irrelevant at the moment....I miss her so much.

Anyway...there I was...strapped into the MRI and as I lay there...like Spam-in-a-can...the music started...

The songs were...in this exact order:

"You're nobody till somebody loves you"
"Just one more chance"
"Have A Little Sympathy"
"Return to me'

And finally...as I was getting ready to just kill myself through spontaneous combustion...

......"Memories are made of this".

You couldn't make it up...its like the fickle finger of fate is enjoying itself too much.

Lordy Lordy!

Really...will someone just cut my freaking head open!!

So for those of you to young to have ever heard of Dean Martin...have a look at this...I'm going to buy some rope!!

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What I do and where I do it

Naturally...naturally... this blog is a complete work of fiction.Of course it is... None of the people (or their relatives) or any apparent colleague or indeed any event mentioned within the blog, exist, or have ever existed. Really..no..really...Honestly..trust me..*right*

If you think that you recognise yourself, -particularly if you are a clinician or an ex-girlfriend-, then you have a narcissistic personality disorder.

However if any part was true then the introduction might read something like this:-
I work as an autonomous Emergency Nurse Practitoner serving a charming English seaside town called Little-Ghetto-on-Sea, on the East coast, closer in fact to Europe than to London.
We treat a wide range of minor illness and injury , with admitting privileges to St Vulva's, the main academic hospital some 20 miles away .
It is apparently one of the UK's most densely populated city's...and fits Littlejohn's discription in the Daily Mail when he says,"most British seaside towns are run-down dole-claimant dormitories,which seem to take a perverse delight in driving people away through a combination of rip-off prices , tatty boarding houses and disgusting food and draconian parking regimes" . It often feels as if it is the setting for 'Little Britian' which most foreign readers will know is more social commentary than cutting-edge comedy.Indeed most of the male patients are typically shaven headed pierced,inked,dirty-fingered,dull eyed ,baseball-cap wearing, unemployed smokers with prodigious drinking skills. The women have a limited vocabularly, ranging from "innit" to "my (human) rights" with not much else inbetween.Invariably they have several children from different consorts (love that word!) and walk through the town talking on their cell phones and ignoring their children.There are few vegetarians and even fewer graduates.

DISCLAIMER

This site is for entertainment purposes only.

Any patient interactions or cases that are posted here are not based upon any single person ,living or dead ;or any specific event.

Conversations in quotes and remarks that appear to be quoted verbatim are not necessairly true. All patient details are changed to make identifying them impossible, far exceeding the minimum standards for de-identification of patient information.

However , occasionally , ECG strips ,photographs,or x-ray images that are of clinical interest are posted and are subject to that particular patient having given me written permission for the image to be published;and no original NHS images or materials are used,removed or uploaded from any of the hospitals in which I work.

Under no circumstances should any reader assume or think that any nursing or medical advice is being dispensed.

No nurse/patient relationship,- or indeed any theraputic relationship of any kind-,will be established by you reading and/or commenting upon this blog.