The patient was a 40-something woman,dirty,dish-water-blond hair pulled back into a tight ponytail, bright red lipstick ,oozing aggression and smugness in equal measure,clutching the ubiquitous cellphone-and-cigarettes combo.
"Good morning ma'am...what can I do for you today then?"
She thrust her right arm out at me and sat glowering...I could see what looked like a burn.
"Yersss...you have a problem with your arm?"
Well its this...innit...?!
She had what looked like a chemical burn to the inside of her elbow of her right arm,in what is called the ante-cubital fossa.It had a diameter of 10 cm with an inner area of about 5cm which was both infected and had wet skin sloughing off of it.
It smelt offensive.She had a temperature of 38'C.
"So...whats been going on then? That looks like an infected burn?"
Well...obviously...I have piles...
"Yerss..."
Would you like to have a look?
"Ahh....not at the moment thanks ...."
...so my GP gave me some anal analgesic gel to use...and I had an allergic attack to it...I got all red and swollen down below...
...are you sure you don't want to have a look?
"No really...not right now..."
Well...it then got all white spots on it,on my piles and on my front bits as well...
"Yerss...?"
...and the GP said it was thrush...have you seen thrush?...would you like to have a look?
"I've seen it many times thanks...I don't need to have a look"
Well...I knew its wern't thrush...that it were an allergic reaction...but my GP wouldn't believe me...
...so I put some of the gel onto my arm here and left it and now you can see that it looks like an allergic reaction...don't it?
"Ja...it certainly does...it also looks infected...Oy...how long has it been like this?"
Three days...I've been waiting to see my GP to show him...but my daughter said I should come here because shes worried about it...
"Uh huh...well...I will take a wound swab now and phone the plastic surgeons to get them to have a look at you today if that's OK?"
Today...?
"Ja....that's quite a nasty chemical burn in fact...and your arm is swollen...and you have a temperature..."
Well...what about my breast then...?
"Ahh....your breast....whats wrong with your breast?"
Well...what it was...I thought about what part of my body was like my bum...
"Yerrrsss...?"
And I thought that the skin under my breast would be like the skin around my bum...you know...soft...dark...moist...
(Lordy Lordy)
....so I put some of the gel there and I think that's also got infected...?
...do you want to have a look...?
"Actually....this time...I think I had better have a look...let me just get a chaperone..."
Wot?
"A chaperone...another nurse to come into the room whilst I examine your breasts..."
I don't mind....you seem like a nice man...
"Ja...well...personally ma'am...I live and die by three rules:-
firstly,don't have a relationship with a woman who tells you on the first date that she is psychic and that you are her soul-mate and have been together for thousands of years;
secondly,don't take medicines prescribed to anyone else;
and thirdly...never under any circumstances whatsoever...never....examine a female patient between the ages of birth and death,without a chaperone...unless its at the Fetish Club and you're playing doctor-doctor...
...so...I have been known to make an exception to the first rule...but I never make exceptions to the second and third rules..."
Oh...okay...
"Julian...can you join me please?"
He minced into the room...'Yes Lucien?' he lisped.
"I need a chaperone please whilst I examine this lady...okay?"
(There was no female nurse available...and since Julian is more gay than male,but more nurse than gay...and since I trust him implicitly,the patient agreed he would suffice...)
The patient pulled up her once-white T-shirt ,lifted up her right breast and proudly displayed another burn,about 7cm in diameter on her chest wall and the underside of her breast,also infected and in need of a plastic surgery opinion.
Even Julian blanched!
"Ummh...ooooooooookay then...well...let me speak to the on-call plastics then and we will get you sorted out..."
Do you think its an allergic reaction then...?
"It probably started as one...ja"
Well...good...now the GP is gonna have to take me seriously!!
"Ma'am...the plastic surgeon wants to know...are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today ?"
Some days this blog just writes itself...
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