Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Chest pain : Part 3 : The stress test

So today I had the stress test to see if there is an ischaemic cause for the ectopic beats I have been experiencing...

I wore my fetching jungle-green and very baggy farmers shorts...(Randburg Clothing Hypermarket at R59.99 a pair)...(the 'boys' need plenty of space if I'm going to have to run)...and a Johannesburg Trauma Unit t-shirt...just to keep my spirits up .

A gorgeous young blond nurse called me into the test room and asked me to take off my t-shirt.

Right...fantasy of standing (half) naked in a room with a blond nurse...
Tick that box!

She then shaved my chest hair...slowly and carefully...and with her moist little tongue sticking out ever so slightly from between her plump pink lips...

Right...S&M fantasy...tick that box!

And then,using clinical-grade sand-paper,and holding onto my chest with one hand,she gently rubbed at the exposed skin area,to ensure maximum contact for the ECG pads...

*Dear Lord*

Right...unknown S&M fantasy II...tick that box!!

And then she strapped me into the monitoring cables and we started the test...

Okay Lucien...'Run fat boy...Run'

And I ran...and ran...and ran a bit more...'re quite fit for someone of your age....

(I'm starting to go off of this girl)

Okay...I need you to run faster...we need to get your heart rate above 200...and I want you to maintain that for three you think you can do that?

"Sure...its a bit like sex...I'll be running for hours!!!"

She sneers...Really??

(Okay...I am officially done with this girl)

Finally...gasping and sweating and weeping,we finish the test.
The nurse prints off the report and asks me to have a seat whilst she goes to get the consultant.
On her way out she hands me some paper towels and suggests I mop my fevered brow.

The consultant duly declared the stress test absolutely fact they were unable to elicit any ectopic beats at all...(this is very good news)...despite me running as fast as a bulimic looking for a toilet after a buffet.

Bottom line:he still wants to do a 24-hour halter ECG...for completeness sake...but is happy for me to return to work and to the gym...oh what good news.

Image as always from

1 comment:

  1. I've followed this with interest, glad everything is fine and has settled down. I was appalled at your treatment in A&E even as an ordinary punter, but to be a colleague and be treated that way is piss poor in my opinion. Like you I believe chest pain is cardiac until proven otherwise and in my area all chest pains are seen and monitored in resus.