Tuesday, 16 September 2008

...OK..don't believe me!..

Monday morning and the waiting room is packed with the usual mixed bag of unemployed malingers on the one hand , and the working-actually-sick patients on the other, who are naturally unable to see their GP,because the malingers have already booked up every available GP appointment for the week to come...there is also the usual assortment of foreigners who do not wish to register at a GP in case someone in authority asks them for proof of 'right-of-abode' in the UK...and tramps and addicts just trying to get warm

"Mr Jones?"

A thickset middle-aged man,wearing an anorak and several layers of tracksuit clothing,(the clothing clearly never having been used by him for any actual athletic purpose), grumbled up out of his chair, and stomped into the Unit,followed by a grey,fading, nervously twitching middle-aged woman, who I assumed to be his 'partner'

"Good morning Sir....my name is Lucien...please have a seat...you over there please Ma'am...now...what can I do for you today?"

Obviously,its my elbow

"I beg your pardon...obviously your elbow...what do you mean?"....bearing in mind that you are wearing four layers of clothing and I have never seen you before today

Well, he snarls ,obviously its painful and hurts to move and feels hot

"Right...Could you take your jacket off please Sir...and now the tracksuit top please... and now the jersey please...and now the shirt as well please?"

Its really cold in here!

"Yes it is, I'm afraid"

Whys that then ? Don't you know that there are sick people here?

"Ah...well...thats builders for you Sir...marvellous brand new, purpose built Unit...great air conditioning...warm in summer and cold in winter"

Well its all those Poles innit?

He shows me his right elbow-it is red and warm and swollen, looks all 'knobbly', and he has a temperature and feels a little unwell

After the usual history taking and examination I decide that he has a bursitis

"Right Sir...you have a bursitis there...I'm going to prescribe some Ibuprofen and some antibiotics...it'll soon be sorted out"


"Yes Sir...bursitis"

Well I've never heard of that!!

"Fair enough", I say,handing him a patient-information sheet

He then turns to his partner,who is sitting quietly in the corner...


...as if she has not been in the room during the examination and consultation says to her...

The nurse says that I've got a bursitis...have you ever heard of that?

No , she replies

And then he turns to me...

...as if I have not noticed that his partner is in the room...or that he has been talking to her...or indeed that I have not heard her reply...and says...triumphantly,

Well...my wife hasn't heard of it either!!

"Well Sir...of the three of us in the room , only one of us needs to have gone to University...and the good news is...is that...today...God has chosen me to be that person."

You Australians...you think you're all so clever...